LOCAL NEWS: "Oh Deer"

There were some rather unsightly pictures in this weeks edition of my local weekly newspaper of the week. The worst of these is one of first time parents with their newborn baby. The baby had been biting, grabbing and fighting as best it could not to go home with it’s two fucking monstrosities of parents. Unfortunately doctors drugged the baby and the parents took it home with their hideous faces.
In another photo, a picture of an old man grimacing is surely not the expression they had hoped for. And I noticed a similar expression, underneath the headline of a story about anglers keeping logbooks. Because, just in case anglers weren’t sure what ‘angling’ meant, there's a nice big photo of a fish.

As always, there are some curious obituaries. But looking at the picture of Mrs H Tristrum, staring at me as if she were saying, “I lived a hard life and reached 100-years-old and now I’m dead and all you want to do is mock me... please don’t mock me... oh please...” Could you mock Mrs Tristrum? Didn’t think so.
Luckily, there are plenty more dead freaks to make fun of. Mrs B Worth loved nothing more than to change religions in her spare time. She first converted to the Greek Orthodox Church, but after finding that a bit too Greek, converted again to the Russian Orthodox Church. However, “realising there was no local place of worship she built a shed in her garden where the small congregation could meet”.
Dominating the obituaries, with an excessively massive entry, is dead racist telly addict, Mrs D P E Crellin. She used to run a care home and the staff used to “nip round to Mrs Crellin’s to watch ‘Dallas’” and “eat cheese and biscuits”. Along with her husband, she decided to moved 100s of miles to London to start a new life. Considering the great effort and upheaval of such a move, the explanation for moving back of “the girl who lived on the floor above used to play reggae music very loud”, obviously translates as, “bloody hell, I never thought there’d be these many blacks”.
Telly addict Mrs.Crellin loved ice-skating, so was obviously a big fan of ITV‘s “Dancing on Ice”.“But sadly was not here to see the final. She died in her own home, still with the phone in her hand”.
All I can say is the terms and conditions are clear: “Each phone vote costs 35p from a BT landline in the UK. Calls from mobiles and other networks may vary. If you die with the phone in your hand you may still be charged”

Personally, I always like to see old men that are proud of their trowels. Talking of oldies, the old people standing around for something or other are looking really smart today!

As you're painfully aware, most of the people featured in my local newspaper are simply pitiful. So let me introduce you to a local man who is astonishing infuriating. “Laughing all the way to the bank: cashier counts on comedy career” is the headline, accompanied by a picture of him looking like a cunt. He is has basically doing a poor stand up gig at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Seemingly unbeknown to the newspaper, literally anyone can perform at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and thousands of nobodies do, so I think the achievement is greatly exaggerated. But why do you call him a cunt?- I hear you ask. How so you know his stand up is poor?- You enquire. Well he really really looks like a cunt. As for his act - underneath another photo of him looking like a cunt, and while holding an ornamental deer, it reads, ’ “I bought this for £350...it was a little deer.” One of Phil’s opening gags.’
Simply by unnecessarily using the word cunt repeatedly during this paragraph, I’ve shown I know more about the Edinburgh Fringe Festival than he does.

The failing’s of the town council have again been in the spotlight. Residents are angry at the speed it’s taking the town to come to terms with and affectively eradicate the bubonic plague. The town council accept the criticism and promise they are in the process of modernising. They are also due to invest in massive cheques to use in cheque related photo opportunities. The only good news for the council is the enthusiasm shown by local fireman for the “human fire blanket scheme” being trialled.

‘MONSTROUS’ CARE HOME WOULD LOOK LIKE COLDITZ!!!! I have no idea what that means.
But I do know what ‘Beam me up: Star Trek fan club captain Jo retires after 20 years at the helm’ means! Jo has been captain of the USS Oberon for 22-years and even though she has “handed over the controls” is worried about the future of the USS Oberon, “Nobody really watches Star Trek any more, it’s just not as popular as it used to be.” “I’m now considering converting to the Russian Orthodox Church, as I’ve heard all you need is a shed.” She will say one day.
On the subject of failing weirdo fan clubs - local Christians are, unfairly in my opinion, targeting people with Down’s Syndrome, as they’re easily convinced about things that aren’t true. “Kick them while they’re down's” the headline almost read.

Finally, crime is again rife around the local area. But it’s actually rather serious this time, as a woman used the local newspaper to plead for her babies killer. When I say her baby I mean her cat... , the killer is actually a dog, but when I say plead I mean PLEAD.
But that’s not the only appalling crime that’s happened lately. There is a significant piece about a recent theft... of cassette tape..... from a car.... of cassette tapes.... cassette tapes... stolen....and it’s in the newspaper... cassette tapes.... cassette...... tapes.... someone stole cassette tapes.... which means two people use cassette tapes.... and think cassette tapes are worth something... and someone reported the theft..... then someone wrote about it..... and people have read about it.... about cassette tapes....cassette tapes....cassette.... tapes....an article about stolen cassette tapes....
I could go on.


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#108: "Dough That Hurts"

I really like making my own play dough. I don’t think I’m overstating the case when I say it’s probably the best thing ever. Obviously I primarily make it for my niece, but it is just such lovely stuff, it make me peculiarly joyous. I make it any colour I want and then play with it, splat it on a table or just squish it in my hands and say, “wow, it feels really really good!”

My niece and I play a game where we both make something out of play dough and the other has to guess as quick as they can. Remarkably she identified my Eiffel Tower within seconds.

I basically want to promote home made play dough and get more people saying “wow, it feels really really good!”, without the use of moistening genitalia. I recently aided a Scottish Scot from Scotland with how to make play dough via email, which proved a success.

But I also have a responsibility to warn the public about the dangers of making your own play dough. When I last made some I burned my finger and it HURT! I did take another photo of it, but I thought it looked rather too phallic.


Rather Artistic Photo Taken By My Nephew Inside A Pub When He Borrowed My Camera OF THE DAY - “Down on the Floor” :
Communicating the comforting solace found when one disregards circumscribable status aspirations.

Essential Component Of A Successful Suicide Cult OF THE DAY - Beware of Anti-Christ babies:
In 1994, the leader of The Order of the Solar Temple ordered the repeated stabbing, with a wooden stake, of a 3-month-old baby. However, Joseph Di Mambro had his reasons, because he identified the baby as the Anti-Christ described in the Bible - born into the order to prevent him from succeeding in his spiritual aim. I say spiritual aim - over the next few days, scores died in Canada and Switzerland on Di Mambro’s orders, in an orgy of murder/suicide poisonings, shootings, fires and plastic-bag-on-their-head-dead chaos. But they didn’t actually die, because they were all reborn on the planet Sirius, so there!

If They Were Another Race/Sex/Age/Whatever OF THE DAY - John Taylor Bowles:
If he were Black or Chinese or a little Nazi baby... or a chimpanzee.

Short Comic Strips OF THE DAY - “Food Fight” and “No Survivors”.

Quotes From A Cock Ring Review OF THE DAY - The Dirty Dolphin - ‘The perfect thing for synchronising orgasms!’:
“Might as well have been from Fischer Price for all the excitement it caused!”
“It could be good for those couples with a massive penis and smaller vagina”
“My boyfriend's brother recommended we try this cock ring out”
“I couldn't find the batteries (used to be 3 watch sized batteries) needed so we invested in a new dolphin. The removable multi-speed bullet takes a N sized battery now, much more reliable, lasts longer and easier to get hold of replacements”


Aforementioned email:

“I'm gonna tell you how to make some fucking amazing play dough!
You'll need, a bag of cheap flour and salt, a good amount of cream of tartar and a little oil. I'm assuming you have running water in Scotland.
OK. Well. You have to get a pan and a mixing bowl.
Then with a small cup you should add an equal amount of water to the pan as flour into the mixing bowl. You still following?
OK. Into the pan put about a tablespoon of oil for every cup of water and heat slightly.
Then into the mixing bowl, for every cup of flour, add 2 or 3 tablespoons of salt and 2 teaspoons of cream of tartar and mix it! Woop!
OK, then slowly add the flour mixture into the pan of heated water and stir, I'd recommend a spoon made of wood! I'm sure you've got one. Stir and stir and stir until it's all pretty mixed, or as mixed as you can get it, and turn up the heat (baby). Add any food colouring you might want. Then you just mix it and mix it on a medium heat. It looks like a total shitty mess for a while, but if you keep it fairly hot and keep stirring, it should go sticky and then start firming into a nice ball. Then you just heat it until it's as firm as play dough! Woop!”

Following a missed call and text explaining her dread about the process:

“Yeah I've just seen your missed call. I did say "It looks like a total shitty mess for a while" though!!"
You should keep it sealed in a plastic bag or freezer bag or something and keep it in the fridge.... I forgot that bit... because then it lasts for like 2 or 3 months!”

[Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] Are you now going to make some of my lovely play dough?


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LET'S TALK ABOUT DEATH: "Cheryl Sensory Perception"

I’d quite like to see a ghost. Having previously published Sexy Ghost OF THE DAY, I have a few in mind. I would probably write more about whether shagging a ghost is cheating or not, but ghosts aren’t real of course. I’d probably see ghosts in the same way as other products of imagination, like fairies, dragons and Howard the Duck. That is if it wasn’t for the fuckheadedness of people who believe in ghosts. People that post things such as “Me and my friend want to summon a demon and send it back to hell. How would we do this?”

Geomagnetic fields, infrasound, carbon monoxide poisoning, hypnagogic hallucinations - there are lots of explanations why people think they see ghosts. But, I’m sure you’ll all agree, we can’t fairly discuss ghosts without considering what Cheryl Cole has to say on the subject.

The former winner of ‘Most Attractive Girl at the Metro Shopping Centre’, whose favourite film is 'Ghost', thinks “You can’t possibly believe that when you’re dead that’s it, you die and then your body just disintegrates and that’s you gone forever!”.

When asked whether she had ever had a supernatural experience, she replied, “Yes I have. I was in on my own at home and my dog started barking. He was going mad and I didn’t dare look. When I did, it was some smoke! I screamed the place down. I thought it was a ghost because I was terrified.”

During, the actually real and genuine TV programme, Ghost Hunting with Girls Aloud, Cheryl became confused about the concept of darkness, “There were no lights on, and we were going in blind, it was terrible!!”

Not only was there a small “puff of smoke” to prove the existence of ghosts, but whist she was standing in a dark and crowded room, “It felt like someone brushing my arm, like a stroke almost. It happened really quickly. It was unexpected and I was really scared. I definitely thought it was something”. “It was terrible. I yelled and burst into tears when something touched my arm.”

When asked, “Do you now believe that there is something out there?”, she replied, “I think something definitely exists. The ghosts do seem to go to very old places though.” Yes. Yes they do.

As I was finishing writing this post, I found out that, by some measures, I am actually psychic. Before throwing the latest Sky Magazine in the bin with force, I noticed a piece about “self-described medium” Lisa Williams.

“Williams claims she has spoken to Bob Hope, Princess Diana, Natalie Wood, Marilyn Monroe and Ray Charles after they died.” She also has a terrifying haircut, but is not related to Robbie Williams.

“How psychic are you? According to Lisa, all of us have psychic abilities. Read her five-point checklist to find out whether you have the ‘gift’: ”

1- Have you ever thought of a person from your past, who has suddenly got in touch? [In all probability, I'm sure everyone has]
2- Do you ever sense the phone is about the ring and you know who’ll be on the line? [Um, caller display? 'Vibrate then ring’ setting??]
3- Have you felt a presence, then turned around to find no one there? [So basically, turning around and NOT seeing anything whatsoever is a plus point...]
4- Do people, even those you’ve just met, confide in you and share their problems. [May as well ask 'are you nice?']
5- Do you find you usually know what to say to make someone feel good? [Like the previous one, not sure if anyone would answer 'no, I just wish the cunt would fuck off']

In conclusion, ghosts and psychics are bollocks..... let's never talk about them again.


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#107: "How Big Is Your Sausage?"

I’m not at all a fastidious or petty person. In fact, I’d say I’m a laid-back and- But listen! £1.90 for a sausage! The other week, I was charged £1.90 for one, less than average sized sausage. Actually, worse still, I had two, which is £3.80 (1.90 x 2 = 3.80, always shows your working out kids) and actually makes it sound even more scandalous. I mean if I had a family of 4 and we wanted two sausages each it would have cost £15.20 (1.90 x 4 x 2 = 15.20, always shows your working out kids)!! I’ve been trying to share this bastard of an outrage, but no one seems sufficiently shocked and that just makes it worse!

I don’t want to make a big deal about it. I’m not usually the kind of- BUT he was soooo rude. I didn’t even want to eat there! I don't actually think I enjoy food very much any more.... Even though I did have a lovely vegetable tart the other day (coincidentally, also my ideal date). But this man and his food were rubbish! It's impossible that everyone else didn't also view him as a fucking angry mental. He was Asian.... or North Africa... or Turkish or something, I’m not sure what he was really, but he was definitely between Sunflower Symphony 2 and 3. I genuinely think no one else said anything because he was a Dulux Rich Yellow, which scared them, especially when he shouted "yadda yadda yadda" at me. What the hell, I may as well join them and be a racist. Of course not! I'm actually so far from being racist that I could have kicked him half to death without even realising the racial overtones.

What else have I been up to lately? I saw a really great- AND he wouldn't let me finish my sentence and there was this whole confusion about the price of chicken too! He was just ranting and ranting! He was about as good as explaining things as a blind mime teaching quantum physics. But when he told me the fucking sausages cost £1.90, I understandably asked how big the sausages were! I mean for £1.90 I’d want it to resemble a horse’s cock.... and a succulent one at that. Well he went fucking mental! It was like I said “and I expect it to be resemble a massive bouncing semi-erect horses cock, because I hear you've got a tiny little prick yourself, you fucking Sunflower-Symphonian cocksucker”.

Anyway, I cut my losses and didn't say any more. Maybe I’m just pathetically polite, so to me most people are shockingly rude. But I'm not someone who can ever really get angry or hatefully. A different kind of person, in the same situation, could have become very violent indeed and and gone home and joined the a right-wing movement ... like that infamously nasty dictator bloke... with an odd moustache... who killed all those other people because they were different.... - Ming the Merciless. But then again, Ming the Merciless was a pretty appalling stereotype of an Asian villain... And he lived on the planet Mongo... I can’t imagine them having sausages on the planet Mongo though.. but if they did I bet they wouldn’t fucking cost whatever £1.90 is in Gold Mingols.


OF THE DAY Is Away At The Moment, But Here Is A Picture Of What He Is Doing OF THE DAY - OTD is currently grabbing the Olympic torch.


The thing is, the same middle to old age Auburn Falls 6ians that are too self-consciously prejudice to question a £1.90 sausage, were the same people I saw look on with horror and disdain when I was at a nice big lake, with my nephew and niece and a large extended Asian family appeared. Personally, I find middle-England, behind closed doors prejudice more distasteful than a overt BNP skinhead, [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:], don't you agree? I think to most of them it seemed exactly like the stampede in the Lion King... but with Saris. It was a stark image, if not only to see 100 or so family members looking excited to meet up and despite the poor weather making the best of it, playing games and enjoying the experience. I mean whenever my family gets together my mother always hit one of my dad’s sisters.... Or goes home saying, “I wish I had hit her.” Contrary to the image of the conservative structure of many Western Asian families, I found the atmosphere rather idyllic and surprisingly enviable. Of course the £400 bill for sausages would put me off a bit (1.90 x 2 x 100 = 380 = approx. 400, always shows your working out kids).


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THERE ONCE WAS: "A Woman With Thrush"

There once was a woman with thrush,
Who saw her doctor in a rush.
He made his inspection,
But couldn’t see an infection.
“....In my mouth!” she said with a blush.

Request a limerick


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#106: "The Gary Factor"

In case you didn’t know, I am “toiling under great physical and emotional stress” in a “digital-era sweatshop”. Not my words, Carol, the words of Top Gear magazine......and The New York Times. So, blogging can seriously damage your health.
“In the last few months, two [bloggers] have died suddenly”. One blogger spoke movingly about his health during the time he has been blogging extensively:
“I haven’t died yet,” said Michael Arrington.

OK, they may all be professional bloggers, writing all the time about technology and... pig farming, but these pages don’t write themselves you know?? Well sometimes I befriend a pervert and just copy and paste it up, but apart from that, these pages don’t write themselves you know?? ....And wikipedia...but mostly these pages don’t write themselves and I don’t even get paid like all those other bloggers having heart attacks and cool shit like that.

I’ve written over 100 pages for no apparent reason, without any obvious audience and some hurtful little bastards have the audacity to get on at me to write with more reliable regularity. As you can probably tell, I feel very strongly about this issue, and I know I’m not the only one.

Even though I don’t get paid in money, I do accept readers’ gestures, in the form of comments... or fellatio. One person, who will remain nameless, shed some light on why regular readers of these pages don’t leave comments - the “shame” of actually being on this site. Well Gary, you may think it’s shameful to leave a comment, but the only other option is fellatio. So I say pay up or shut up.

The same goes for ’you from Mountain View’ (81 visits from Mountain View so far this April!) and anyone else neglecting your moral duty, whilst I risk my health. But maybe it's shame for all them too. Another example of the phenomenon now known as the Gary Factor...


Tattoo OF THE DAY - Solar “Tattoos”:
A supposedly new invention, patented by José Marín Parés, from Barcelona. It consists of a band worn on the skin for one week while sunbathing. When fixed, the tattoo lasts for two or three months. The main criticism of ‘solar tattoos’, apart from them being very very shit, is the claim by José Marín Parés, that he is the key figure in the tattooing of skin using sunlight. Of course everyone knows that this method was invented by Nick in Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach. A reviewer on Amazon.com describes: “One of Nick's first pranks is on the beach, he borrows a friend's sun block and writes the word 'dork' on a sunbathing Harris' bare chest. Harris arises only to be met with hysterical laughter and comments from other beach patrons. Harris tells the mayor, "I don't mean to insult your city, but the people here are very rude and hostile." The mayor replies, "I'm sorry to hear that, Captain Dork!!!!" 4/5”

Rather Artistic Photo Taken By My Nephew Inside A Pub When He Borrowed My Camera OF THE DAY - "Vinegar":
Depicting the unrefined impulse to use contiguous objects for desultory accompaniment despite their acidic personality.

Essential Component Of A Successful Suicide Cult OF THE DAY - Illogically reassuring oratory:
Jim Jones also used the image of a scary Elvis to convince hundreds of parents to kill their children and then kill themselves. Tape recordings of the Jonestown community’s last moments (now an essential drum ‘n’ bass sample) are a study guide for any aspiring suicide cult leader. Because it is very important to put mass murder-suicide into context:
“It's been done by every tribe in history. Every tribe facing annihilation. All the Indians of the Amazon are doing it right now.”
“Death, death, death is common to people. And the Eskimos, they take death in their stride.”
“Be kind to children, and be kind to seniors, and take the potion like they used to take in Ancient Greece”
The drink Jim Jones used to mix the poison with was not actually Koolaid, as was long thought to be the case, due to erroneous reports. It was in fact grape Flavor Aid.
Of course, once you have generously provided refreshments to everyone's children, there’s the small matter of it containing Valium, chloral hydrate and cyanide. But any Illogically reassuring scary Elvis orator can get out of that one:
“It's just a little bitter-tasting, they're not crying out of any pain.”
“All they do is taking a drink. They take it to go to sleep. That's what death is, sleep.”

If They Were Another Race/Sex/Age/Whatever OF THE DAY - O.J. Simpson:
If he were white

Short Comic Strips OF THE DAY - “Mrs.Hammer” and “One More Day”


I don’t know why I even bother with a [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:], do you?


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SEX-CHATATHON: "Wrestling"

[Obviously I'm Mary.... you frickin' fool!]

fit m uk: hi
fit m uk: are you married
fit m uk: with kids
Mary: yeah
fit m uk: kewl
fit m uk: u in uk or usa
Mary: usa
fit m uk: nice
fit m uk: how many kids u got
Mary: 2
fit m uk: boys or girls
Mary: 2 girls
fit m uk: koool
fit m uk: how old r they
Mary: 7 and 10
fit m uk: hey are you strong
Mary: how do you mean?
fit m uk: physically
Mary: not really
fit m uk: i like strong girls and to wrestle em for fun and for the girl to give me piggyback.......have you ever wrestled a guy or given a guy a piggybak b4
Mary: maybe, not sure
fit m uk: koool
fit m uk: how tall r u
Mary: 5'8
fit m uk: ur kids ever wrestle
Mary: not professionally
fit m uk: wow coool
fit m uk: like for fun
Mary: dont think so
fit m uk: do they beat the guys
fit m uk: ?
Mary: dont think so
fit m uk: how tall is the 10 yr old
Mary: not sure, why?
fit m uk: wondering if she could beat me
Mary: probably not
fit m uk: how tall is she
Mary: just average for a 10 year old
fit m uk: never know she might beat me
fit m uk: has she got strong thighs
Mary: not really
fit m uk: would be nice to try
fit m uk: u think she would play dirty
Mary: so what time is it for you?
fit m uk: 5
Mary: why are you awake?
fit m uk: would ur daughter play dirty
Mary: how you mean?
fit m uk: would she grab my dik
fit m uk: squeeze my bakks
fit m uk: balls
Mary: probably not
fit m uk: what if i get hard
Mary: probably not
fit m uk: if i get hard would u let her grab my dik
Mary: how old are you?
fit m uk: 32
Mary: married?
fit m uk: nope
Mary: who you live with?
fit m uk: so would u
fit m uk: parents
Mary: how old are they?
fit m uk: in their late 50s
fit m uk: would you let her
Mary: you ever wrestle with them?
fit m uk: they too old
fit m uk: would u let her grab it
Mary: they're not too old
fit m uk: yea
Mary: i mean, how old is the undertaker?
fit m uk: would u let her grab it
Mary: the undertaker is 43!!!
fit m uk: ok
fit m uk: would u let her
Mary: hulk hogan is 54!!
Mary: you should wrestle your dad
fit m uk: can ur daughter grab my dik
Mary: why you ask
fit m uk: would be cool
fit m uk: yea
fit m uk: u can see how she controls me
Mary: but if you wrestled your dad then you could both grab each other
fit m uk: you think she could control me by squeezing my dik
Mary: how strong is your dad compared to hulk hogan?
fit m uk: can ur daughter control me
Mary: youre not answering me
fit m uk: but ur not answering me
Mary: i was thinkin about roleplaying wrestling with you but youre just talkin on your own too much
Mary: your questions are silly
so is your dad like hulk hogan?
fit m uk: no very weak
fit m uk: can ur daughter control me hunnie
Mary: no
Mary: very weak? is he ok?
fit m uk: u got nieces
Mary: no
fit m uk: he has kidney probs
Mary: you look after him then kinda?
fit m uk: yea
fit m uk: can ur daughter make me cum
Mary: nah sorry
Mary: is your mother healthy?
fit m uk: nope very very ill
fit m uk: i have a sexy cousin
fit m uk: and aunty
Mary: what's wrong with your mother?
fit m uk: dunno yet doing tests
Mary: you worried?
fit m uk: yea
Mary: what are the symptoms?
Mary: you there?
......
......
......
......
Mary: you wanna know what my daughter would do?
fit m uk: yea
Mary: call the police


'Tis all true too


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#105: "Iranian Dicks"

In the past, I have outlined many excellent ideas for positive social change; such as my idea “to boycott homophobic countries in eastern Europe and encourage all oppressed homosexuals, heterosexuals who like homosexuals and Right Said Fred to attempt a coup of Estonia and take it as their own”. Of course, there was obviously a good reason for my passionate stance.. something to do with Polish Teletubbies...somehow... But I even chose a national anthem for this gay republic.

Unfortunately my ideas, which include sexuality based, non-military coups, seldom come to fruition. However, I recently watched the documentary ‘Be Like Others’, by Tanaz Eshaghian, which motivated me to add to the list of issues If I Was A Gecko supports. So far I’m only supporting “the genetic improvement of the winged bean”. But now add to that, “the prevention of cruelty to homosexual Iranian penises”

The documentary examines the lives of various young men in Iran who are considering having a sex change operation. The director, who fled with her family from Iran as a child shortly after the 1979 revolution, first read about the huge numbers of sex change operations in a 2004 New York Times article. She was surprised that such an operation would be acceptable in a Muslim country. Apparently Iran can be a little bit conservative over certain things or something, so she decided it would make a considerably more interesting feature length documentary than her struggling project ’The Winged Bean: How it Will Feed the World’. So she returned to Iran for the first time to befriend some gays.

Iran carries out more sex change operations than any other nation in the world...except for Thailand..obviously,....otherwise that’d be silly. By some estimates, there are 150,000 Iranian transsexuals. The government provides up to half the cost for those needing financial assistance and a sex change is recognised on your birth certificate. The New York Times, along with newspapers such as The Independent and The Guardian wrote about the seemingly incongruousness of mass Iranian transsexualism, largely due to interviews with a long time activist for religious and legal recognition for transsexuals in Iran, Maryam Khatoon Molkara.

The articles were largely positive about the Iranian regimes decisions on transsexuals; “As Repression Eases...”, “a compassionate decision...”. However, the main focus of the articles was on the telling of, male to female transsexual, Maryam Khatoon Molkara’s boob related anecdote.

Molkara’s meeting with the first Supreme Leader of Iran, Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, in 1983, was a turning point for Iran’s wannabe transsexuals. Before then, the new Iranian government, following the 1979 Iranian Revolution, classed transsexuals and transvestites with gays and lesbians, who were condemned by Islam and faced the punishment of lashing and possible death under Iranian law.

Although Ayatollah Khomeini had written that there is no religious restriction on corrective surgery, as far back as 1969, he didn’t pronounce a religious edict on the matter when he came to power. Molkara had been writing to Ayatollah Khomeini long before the revolution, to gain religious authorisation for her on going transformation. Following the revolution, she was fired from her job, forcedly injected with testosterone and institutionalised. Once released she lobbied various religious leaders, including Ayatollah Khomeini.

In 1983, Molkara, bearded and in a man's suit, approached the Ayatollah Khomeini’s compound. Armed security guards pounced and began beating her brutally. [RECAP: Molkara = Male to female transsexual, dressed as a man] They noticed she was wearing some kind of belt across her chest and feared she was a man carrying explosives. But when she removed it the only thing that went boom were her (hormone encouraged) boobies! Khomeini's brother intervened and, moved by her story, took her inside, eventually agreeing to introduce her to the supreme leader himself, Ayatollah Khomeini.

She met him covered in blood and fainted at first. Khomeini was confused about the injured bearded man with lovely tits and asked three of his trusted doctors in the room at the time, “what the difference was between hermaphrodites and transsexuals” [Actually true].

Having pleaded her case, with the use of her boobies, that she was a woman trapped in as man's body, Molkara left the Khomeini compound with a letter giving religious authorisation for her - and, by implication, others like her - to surgically change their gender. This original fatwa has since been reconfirmed by the current Supreme Leader of Iran, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. And lots of men in Iran got big boobies. THE END.

Well that was the end of Molkara’s boob related anecdote anyway. Obviously I’m going to go on about Iranian transsexuals a lot more...BECAUSE it’s not a happy ending children! Tanaz Eshaghian’s documentary showed that many transsexuals are coerced into having sex changes as the only religiously legitimate way to live in Iranian society if you’re homosexual, effeminate or penetrate men anally as a form of exotic and friendly massage like I do.

The religious cleric responsible for gender reassignment says “Islam has a cure for people suffering from this problem“. Furthermore, he claims the operation is no more a sin than “changing wheat to flour to bread”. “The discussion is fundamentally separate from a discussion regarding homosexuals. Absolutely not related. Homosexuals are doing something unnatural and against religion.” “We just remove camp blokes' cocks whilst pretending we’re in a bakery” - he almost said.

You cannot be in a sexual relationship with someone of the same sex in Iran or else you could be executed. You can’t appear to be gay in any way or you get attacked and whipped (not in a good way). So for many, a sex change is their only option to live in Iran. For leading Islamic clerics, it’s a sure-fire way to deal with the statistical inevitability of homosexuality and of preventing penetrative sex between males - as they either die or don’t have a penis. Many suffer depression following the operation. Many are shunned by their families and continue to be persecuted. In the film, 27-year-old Ali Askar, renamed Negar after her sex change operation, was disowned by her family, who “pray for her to die” and she now lives with other transsexuals and has had to work as a prostitute to make ends meet. Of course many regret being coerced into having the operation. This is all unfair! If I Was A Gecko supports the prevention of cruelty to homosexual Iranian penises!


OF THE DAY Is Away At The Moment, But Here Is A Picture Of What He Is Doing OF THE DAY - OTD is currently lost in the dark.


And that’s not all. I recently saw two homosexual Iranian teenagers being hanged on Newsnight. That is, I saw a clip of them being hanged, which was on Newsnight, of course. They don’t hang people on Newsnight.

Because on July 19, 2005 in Mashhad, northeast Iran, Mahmoud Asgari and Ayaz Marhoni, 16 and 18 years old respectively, were publicly hanged for charges related to homosexuality. The exact details surrounding their case are unknown. Reports from Iran have stated their involvement with the rape of a 13-year-old boy, which was the primary charge. But, with no details released as to the specifics of their charges, many people question whether any such case against them was anything more than an unsupported allegation, used to secure their execution for being lovers. If death wasn’t punishment enough, the two were also given 228 lashes each for drinking, disturbing the peace and theft.

Although there were calls for restraint, when gay activists claimed, as fact, they were hanged for being gay, the arguments against consensual gay sex being punishable by death remain. Violators are reportedly given a choice of four methods of execution: hanging, stoning, halving by sword or being dropped from the highest perch. I'm pretty sure they choose the method by picking a mystery gold envelope.

Furthermore, the defendants themselves were thought to be only 14 and 16 at the time of arrest and their execution was against the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child and the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, both of which Iran is a signatory to, which prohibit the execution of minors. This case followed that of Atefah Sahaaleh, a 16-year-old girl hanged for committing “acts incompatible with chastity”.

Speaking at Columbia University in New York last year, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stated, “In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country”, “We do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who has told you that we have”. He’s a dick, obviously, but [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] who else do you think is a big dick?


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INDUCT A DISCIPLE: "Bongos"

IN THEIR OWN WORDS:
"Breasts are great and I love them. I was born in 1986 to a mother with two breasts (34C now a 34E). Her mother had 2 breasts (38C) until her late 30’s when she was diagnosed with cancer. Many years later and my Grandmother (solo breast, size unknown), is living a very happy and fulfilled life with one breast.

I have a love/hate relationship with mammaries I think it would be fair to say. I love and hate mine in equal measure and I hate other peoples. At school I was known as “bongo’s”, though I am not sure why. They didn’t seem to resemble any member of the percussion family and nor do they to this day."

- 'Bongos'

5 ONE WORD FACTS:
Musicals
“Erotica”
Smoke
Indecision
Vermicelli
....and they’re all true.

COMMITTED TO SPREADING THE WORD VIA:
Texting random numbers..... and shouting.. in the street like...

UNIQUE WORDS OF WISDOM ON:
Destroying the unbreakable
Fruit-based tobacco
Breasts

YOU'VE NOW BEEN INDUCTED, HOW DO YOU FEEL?:
"Brilliant."
Is that it? One word?
"Yeah"

#104: "My CuNT On You Face"

With nostalgic similarity to the inaugural simplicity of these pages, I’ve been wondering with puerility again. I wondered about chemical symbols, in the same vein as writing Fluorine Uranium Carbon Potassium Indium / Cobalt Carbon Potassium / Sulfur Uranium Carbon Potassium Erbium in chemistry lessons. Of course, unfortunately, there never were any jars of FUCKIn CoCK SUCKEr to legitimise such isolated studiousness. Although if it’s going to be found anywhere, it’s most likely to be found on the Campus of the University of North Texas. Thinking about UNT? You’d better believe it!

But I found out there is a chemical compound called a nucleotide, abbreviated to NT. Not only is there such things as copper nucleotides, but some woman openly recommends putting CuNT all over your face as part of the “patent-pending anti-aging technology that targets and helps to reduce the appearance of wrinkles”. If you look for it, CuNT is an important ingredient when it comes to anti-aging. I know a CuNT face mask, always makes me feel reenergized. Though not always so keen on CuNT serum myself.

Personally I trust Dr. Shyam Gupta, the CuNT expert on that woman’s website. I found a photo of him in 2004 and then a recent one on her Spa's website. The before and after CuNT shots really make me feel I need to have more in my life.


OF THE DAY Is Away At The Moment, But Here Is A Picture Of What He Is Doing OF THE DAY - OTD has been busy walking my niece and nephew‘s doggy.


Changing the subject entirely, I was also wondering about the word ‘cunt’, ever since my nephew called my 7-year-old niece one, in the company of my mother. Apparently, “it’s not a swear word”. Is that an upside or a downside to neglectful parenting, that their children learn harsh words and don’t understand how bad they are? Maybe it’s only attentive parents that maintain the strength of such words through the generations. Maybe, in Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown’s house, ‘cunt’ is no more offensive as ‘it’, ’a’ or ’and’. Yeah, I bet they affectively don’t have swearing in their house, just peace, contentment and respect.

I also was going to say something about the different terms for ‘vagina’, but since my mother went to the doctor over a suspected slight prolapse, I think that would just be wrong. She was quite worried about it actually and slightly angry at me. I made the point that she may have to go to hospital with it now, because she’s left it so long, due to her fear of hospitals. She considered that irony rather infuriating and shouted at me, in these exact words, “well, everyone said I wouldn’t be the same after having you!!!!!”, referring to my size when born. I chose against arguing my defence.

I bet Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown’s mother doesn’t make him feel bad for damaging her at birth. Maybe I should consider being a thinking man’s Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown. I think if I did vagina jokes on stage they’d they’d be something like, “Don’t you find men’s feelings towards performing cunnilingus is a lot like how people feel about marmite? It’s overly salty and involves the extract of yeast .” But [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] if I put my penchant for thoughtful vulgarity to use as an international stand-up, how much would you pay to see me?


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GOOGLE ASSISTANCE: "Regis Christ!"

Like a constipated elephant pressing his anus against a letterbox, I also have a massive backlog of shit that needs posting... It’s been five months since I last did one of these. But because of google I actually get more people visiting the site when I don’t write anything.... which is a saddening vote of no confidence as far as I’m fucking concerned.

As I look over the most popular search terms that have led to this site over the last few months, one of the most glaring new themes seems to be that of Jesus. Wide ranging searches, from “Jesus was a cunt” all the way to “Jesus is a cunt”. Of course some people are fans of Jesus. So much so that some people enjoy “Jesus porn”, which stars “sexy Jesus” and shows how “Jesus sucks”, which makes them want to “take Jesus up the arse”. Other people want to show their love for Jesus in a less sexual manner, by getting a “Jesus tattoo” or decorating their dining room with “Jesus wallpaper”.

The search for “Jesus twins” did make me wonder though. Maybe it was Dan Brown researching for his latest bestseller ‘Jesus and Regis: How Twins Fooled The World’. People also posed deep questions like “What is Jesus doing now?” and, a question asked every night in bars all over the Bible Belt, “Who would Jesus fuck?”. Then, presumably searched the morning after, “Jesus I’m sorry” (she was an ugly cow).

Many of the searches seemed to be a kind of confessional. From rather specific personal statements such as, “I'm a transsexual”, “I accidentally showed my pussy” and “I'm dying”. To universally understandable sentiments like “I love gordon brown” and “I fucking love pie charts”.

Having so many searches to wade through, some will have to be overlooked. Many would be overlooked anyway, due to their inexplicableness: “stolen buckets”, “jack russell terrorists”, “fish in a lake up a penis”, “why do i choke on celery”, “donkey show mexico”, “toilet paper penis test”, “prostate humor”, “racist chicken” and “how to care for a crowbar”....(??)

Others, a worrying proportion, I simply refuse to help: “selling my daughter“, “pig vasectomy photo”, “how to give head”, “dead+nigger”, “swelling scrotum”, “marmite porn”, “do pussys wrinkle with age”, “what dog has biggest cock”, “Fish love”, “pictures of jews getting whipped by the nazis”, “enema facial”, “retards having sex”, “arse blowing smoke rings”, “sexual behaviour in cattle”, “fucking sex very very hard u never seen”, “uterus scarred shut”, “razor edged dildo” and more than likely from the same person “cunt death”.

Enough of that and more of those I could help:

“Sexy golfers”: Let me steer you away from the movie ‘Nude Golf’, which has poor reviews indeed, and instead in the direction of the Terra Sol Resort for all your sexy golf fun.

“Criminals in Aberystwyth”: Aw shit, you just missed a photography exhibition in Aberystwyth showing the early history of the police mugshot!

“Ukrainian in texas”: Meet Valerie. “Originally from Ukraine. For the past few years lived in Houston.” She has “a weird obsession with cheese”, OCD and a fucking high opinion of herself if you ask me.

“Sexy nuns”: Nun’s have always been dead sexy n that, but if you really love a nun then I’d have to recommend NunWhores.com [BEWARE: ‘Tis porn]

“Sex blob”

“Limericks about thrush”: That can wait until I post my next Limerick! Woo! Etc.

“Slippers for a grandad”: There‘s only really one place

“Dying pubes”: “Do you have gray pubic hair that you wish was your natural color?...”
But there is a problem! “After a thorough check, there don't appear to be any special products available for the exclusive purpose of tinting pubic hairs; women and men who choose to color below the belt do so at their own risk. So, if you and your girlfriend want to play beauty parlor with her pubes — instead of using hair dye — find colored mousse, gel, or hair mascara that washes out with one shampoo.”
No product available? I see a gap in the market. Ah but it’s too late, as I read about “The Economics of Dying Pubic Hair”, on a dull economics blog, usually full of graphs and charts.
The product all greying vaginas want is Betty, ‘Color for the hair down there’.

“Electronic singing tortoise”: [BEWARE: Has sound and ‘tis repetitive]

“Condoleezza Rice skatin”: Along with figure skating, Rice started learning French, music and ballet at age three. That’s it....just fucking facts and nothing else for this one.

“Young farmers slogans”: The answer is, quite literally, “Fun, Learning, and Achievement”....emphasis on the ‘fun’

“Yeovil porn”: I’ve gone one better and found a sex campsite just north of Yeovil! Jan & Harry say, “It has been our little haven for the last 16 years. As the success of the venture improves then so will the facilities available to you. In particular we have invested in converting our cowshed into a club house for everyone's benefit.”
But there are rules to your orgasming! “We are sorry to say that, as this is an organic farm, animals (especially dogs and cats) will not be permitted as this would void our status.”
And, “Please DO NOT come into the farm house. This is a private area and we want to keep it so. Be aware that we keep Rottweiler dogs and they are bound to make their presence known. You will be perfectly safe as long as you and the dogs are on different sides of the white tape ELECTRIC FENCE.”
Well, Rocky 23 does say “the atmosphere is electric”. He he he.
But don’t let all that put you off, it really is a sexual heaven on earth.

For your information, the most popular searches are for “retards” and “zonkey”, around 200 a month for each. One of the longest, most specific and confusingly expectant was the search, “advice how to tell my mother i want to sex with her for my Christmas present”. Obviously you have to ask Santa. But you just watch, I bet we'll see it featured on TV shows reviewing the must-have present for Christmas 2008.


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#103: "Spring Roll"

The ideas of replenishment, positive change and preparation for imminent joys that come with springtime have not been lost on me. I’ve had my annual autonomous haircut, I'm soon going to replace my, now tattered, but once beautiful slippers and have recently rediscovered my dedication to creating posts “crammed full of random shite”.

To continue the productive roll I’m on this spring, I also, once again, helped decorate eggs for my nephew's school competition, to commemorate International Cheap Tasting Chocolate Day. This year I had to adhere to two important criteria that could affect my nephew’s chances of winning. Due to last year’s, it can’t be violent, so no yolk and gore. But it also had to be done almost entirely by my nephew, because that greatly improves his chances. So I was somewhat demoted to artistic director and putter-togetherer. From the beginning, he was adamant he wanted to do sumo wrestling. Not only did we do so with nice big goose eggs, but he won and is now some kind of fucking egg legend, which is nice. Not wanting to feel left out, while he was drawing sumo wrestlers, I thought I’d put an egg in an egg slicer as some kind of artistic stand against human rights infringements or something... Although it was soon destroyed... I suspect by the People's Liberation Army, they're like that.


Lover Of Sven-Göran Eriksson OF THE DAY - Tord Grip:
Despite being called Mr.Grip and often referred to as Sven’s “right-hand man”, there is no evidence he ever masturbates Sven in hotel rooms on away trips. The only stroking they share is the synchronized stroking of their chins, when devising ultra-conservative football tactics.

Tattoo OF THE DAY - Kayan:
A Kayan girl, when about ten years old, would have had her fingers and feet tattooed. It was a serious and painful operation, done over many sittings. A year later and the girls forearms should have been completed. The thighs were partially tattooed during the next year. The process could last 4 years in total. The elaborate designs were supposed to act as torches after death, leading them through the darkness of the afterlife to the longhouse of their dead ancestors. I’d endure four years of pain NOT to be stuck with my family in a fucking longhouse! Fuck!

Rather Artistic Photo Taken By My Nephew Inside A Pub When He Borrowed My Camera OF THE DAY - “Private“:
A visual expression of the deathly dark postern behind which all our fearful discomfiture and peccability ensconce.

Essential Component Of A Successful Suicide Cult OF THE DAY - An apocalyptic deadline:
Depending on the gullibility and number of your followers, your chosen deadline can usually be postponed once or twice and maybe indefinitely. Being a suicide cult, it’s important to remember that everyone has to die. Use your choice of deadline wisely and get the mix of murder/suicide that suits you. Try it yourself and most of all remember to have fun!

If They Were Another Race/Sex/Age/Whatever OF THE DAY - Queen Elizabeth II:
If she was Chinese/black/a King.


As she again retains the title, my mother is fast becoming the Olympique Lyonnais of ‘Which one of my parents is losing the “I’m not as senile as you” competition’. The latest triumph coming when she had painted her bedroom white, as preparation for whatever colour she had chosen to decorate with the next day. But when the next morning arrived she awoke and almost immediately suffered a horrific panic attack. The reason for such dread, as she explained, “I didn’t know where I was, I thought I was in hospital!!”. He he,... senility...
You know, the only time I’ve spent the night in hospital, which I can’t actually remember, is when the end of my little finger got tore off and needed to be sewn back on. But [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] how many times have you been in hospital and what the hell for?


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