LOCAL NEWS: "Young and Old"

So long has it been since my last Weekly Newspaper OF THE WEEK that I still have issues containing pictures of dubious looking Santas. Having been starved of local news for so long, you can now feast like your at a Welsh fairy-cake eating competition.

Looking through the numerous high quality editions of the local newspaper, a theme appeared. The local children of my local area have seemingly had their local faces filled with local anaesthetic. To be fair to the boy, he had just been knocked down by an ice-cream van, but you can never overuse the word gormless and he is a gormo-infant if I’ve ever seen one. If only he hadn't exceeded the age limt, he could have had an outside chance of winning the Local Weirdo-Baby Award 2008. In my opinion, the runner-up was marked down for his/her/it’s reliance on accentuating headgear. As is a local custom in the local area locally, all the average to good-looking, promising and bright children are gathered and ceremoniously lined up and mowed down by an ambulance. Any survivors with sufficient brain damage are then allowed to live and grow up to be valued members of the local area, used for local tasks such as digging holes, catching rats or washing pans.

I was delighted to find another photo of my lovely bearded neighbour, to add to the other photo of my lovely bearded neighbour. Other good news includes that of a group of local cybrogs going on a Welsh bowling trip. Also, Ann, a local prostitute, has been commended for her years of locally based whoring, at 71-years-old and as horny as ever, she puts her continued success as a hooker down to the immaculate condition of her elderly vagina.
However, not all news can be good news. Someone local having their boiler break down is surely the biggest story to come out of the town in the last few months. There have also been protests against the council’s pilot scheme of not actually building things, but asking people to imagine them instead. Worrying on two counts is a criminal on the loose, stealing from the elderly. Worrying enough on its own, but he looks a bit like me.
In other headlines: “Sheep Thief Caught On C.C.T.V.” and “Child Crash Victims Grow Up To Wash Massive Pans”.

Finally, some very old people, including the dead. This section should obviously start with the ‘Weekly Photo of Lots of Old People Standing Around’. Those old men are relatively young for old people though. They can all either bowl or stand up and the one on the right is clad like a “playa”. Local centenarians are greatly celebrated in the local area, even more so if they live and die without ever leaving the town. But the cruel stereotype of people 100-years-old or more, probably being called Hilda and not knowing what the fuck in going on isn’t particularly dispelled by the most recent centenarian. Which all leads neatly onto the oldest variety of old people - dead ones. As you may know, I occasionally endure the guilt of looking through local obituaries for your amusement. I recently found something so odd that I can’t help but reread it repeatedly, hoping that its peculiar inclusion may somehow compute. It goes, “She enjoyed singing and even wrote a song about a Land Rover but sadly the only one who could remember the words is now also deceased”. A song about a Land Rover??..... That no one can remember???... About a Land Rover????..... She wrote a song about a Land Rover??.... That only one person knew??.... Who is also dead??.... A fucking Land Rover????...” It really is some kind of perpetual labyrinth of non-comprehension, I'm sure you'll agree. To end the post, and the extended old people section, is the hilarious story in last week’s newspaper of 3 elderly gentlemen finding out at the same time they were all dating the same old dead lady. They all laughed about it later, locally.


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#102: "Nolberto Solano Based Excuses"

Yes a new post! At last! I know I’ve been away for some time, but now I am back and more determined than ever to waste my time to help you waste yours. On the one hand, I am tempted to apologise for my absence, but on the other hand I feel I should point out how peculiar it is I have returned at all. Further more, on the other hand...... my third hand...... I have to ask, how long would I have to be gone for before someone feels like enquiring about my absence??!??! (Fuckers...)

But I do have an excuse. Blame my recent absence entirely on (Peruvian football/soccer legend) Nolberto “Nobby” Solano. Yes the entirely true, if somewhat implausible, reason for my absence over the last two months is actually because I actually am “Nobby” Solano‘s actual agent. I know what you’re thinking, “I’ve heard this one before”, but this one is entirely true, if not factually accurate. As you know, the winter transfer window has just closed, and I regret to inform you I failed to transfer Nobby from West Ham United to join Gabriel Alegria’s Afro-Peruvian Jazz Sextet. He was very keen to use his experience of being a substitute and start a new chapter in his career as a substitute trumpeter. This is in no way an excuse I concocted following the realisation that my absence coincided with the aforementioned transfer window, thus allowing me to pretend I am a football agent and not just discarding my duty to do fun and frivolous things over winter.

The “festive period” was OK... in the sense that purgatory is OK... But having endured the pain and suffering I am now cleansed and can return to head this quasi religion of ours. I did have some fun. I played lots of excellent games with my family, most of which we created ourselves. We did play the normal Christmas family games though, such as ‘hide chocolate in the kitchen’ and zombie-themed board games. We also played Twister too, a game at which I excel! Although, my hair being quite long at the moment, I did require the use of one of my niece’s headbands. It helped immensely. My cousin pointed out that one of the unnecessarily twisted characters on the box resembled Billie Piper because of her eyebrows. Considering the other unnecessarily twisted character was a ginger male we agreed he was Chris Evans. Obviously I thought this was probably the highlight of my Christmas and should tell the wonderful story to you all. But when I showed a friend the picture, she pointed out that the ginger male unnecessarily twisted character didn’t look like Chris Evans because he wasn’t wearing glasses. I was obviously fuming! Just because she’s Scottish she thinks she can destroy my Christmas memories. Anyway, if Chris Evans was playing Twister he’d have to take his fucking glasses off! Obviously! Another game we played was my nephew’s own version of blind man’s buff. We made our own special goggles for it too, on to which my nephew wrote “dumass”... One time I did have particularly noisy trousers on though, so I took them off. Even though it helped me to run around a lot quieter, it fucking hurt my knee when I dived across the carpet.

My mother has been predictably unpredictable. When I went over near Christmas she was watching Death Proof and reminiscing about the time she saw Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich, which is the music played during the crash scene, where Jungle Julia’s leg tears off.... Lately she’s started watching the African Cup of Nations, almost entirely because she gets turned on by athletic black men. The last time I was over she was doing so whilst reading her copy of John “Let’s have a party with my hotdog cock” Barrowman’s autobiography and drinking her vodka and lemonade. That pretty much brings us up to date. When I saw her over the weekend she was listening to her Lightspeed Champion CD and texting my nephew whilst wearing a hoodie. She’s 60 this year and I find it hard to think of what to plan for her birthday. I actually think she’d want to spend the day racing a rally car and blowing Thierry Henry. But I don’t think my dad would approve. I suppose rally cars are dangerous.


Bean OF THE DAY - The Winged bean:
It comes from a tropical plant that grows abundantly in hot, humid equatorial countries and has a pale blue flower. The flowers are often used to colour rice. The young leaves can be picked and prepared as a leaf vegetable, similar to spinach. The roots can be used as a root vegetable, similar to the potato, and has a nutty flavour. The dried seeds can be useful as a flour and also to make a coffee-like drink.
Unsurprisingly, the winged bean is known for it’s varied edibility and rich source of vitamins such as vitamin A. It is possible that, with a little genetic improvement, the winged bean could raise the standard of living for millions of people in poor, tropical countries. That’s why If I Was A Gecko is supporting the genetic improvement of the winged bean!
So let’s make a meal of coloured rice, beans, leaves, roots, dried seed bread, accompanied by a coffee-like drink!

Lover Of Sven-Göran Eriksson OF THE DAY - Faria Alam:
The former secretly at the Football Association tried Sven following a disappointing encounter with his boss. Luckily, at a formal dinner, she “felt a leg start to stroke up and down my leg. It was Sven's. I was astonished. I looked at Sven and whispered to him, 'What are you doing?' He didn't say anything, he just smirked and went 'Sssssshhhhhh'” Things quickly progressed; “We made passionate love. It was beautiful.” Also “He was not concerned about me getting pregnant”?!?! Is that a compliment...? But they often didn’t make it to the bedroom; “As we were halfway up the staircase, he suddenly grabbed me. He began making love to me and I found it incredibly erotic even though my knees were grazed. But Sven was totally nonchalant about it”. When Sven and his England team were iliminated from Euro 2004, she was there to give him a ‘special present’ to make him feel better. At an top-class restuarnt in Stockhom she presented him with a £4000 watch and... OK, she didn’t; “I gave him one of my Deep Throat jobs and he suddenly shouted out, 'Oh my God! What are you doing to me”. “Giving you one of my Deep Throat jobs”, she probably replied. “Sven really cared about my fulfilment. He made sure I enjoyed multiple orgasms before he satisfied himself. I fell for him totally. He was a master of the art of love-making”. But thing’s fell apart when the relationship became public. He felt unable to contact her; “I just wish he would call me one more time so I could tell him how much I love him.” Failing that, she sold her story for £500,000, went on Celebrity Big Brother, where she tried to get off with Dennis Rodman, then got caught offering her services to a journo in exchange for £8000.

Tattoo OF THE DAY - Anything that includes a spelling mistake

Rather Artistic Photo Taken By My Nephew Inside A Pub When He Borrowed My Camera OF THE DAY - “Darts”:
Depicting the human compulsion to otiosely target specious supremacy, ultimately resulting in wiping clean the achievements of antiquity.

Essential Component Of A Successful Suicide Cult OF THE DAY - A snazzy logo:
A snazzy and preferably garish logo helps to get down wit da kidz and also looks professional on letterheads and mugs, when trying to recruit like-minded “students”. The best of these logos must be that of Heaven’s Gate. They also used methods such as castration, making friends with spacemen and videoing themselves in front of a big screen that’s showing what you’re filming, making you appear like a Spaceman-God.... or something. But I mean... a logo is a good way to start....


So, which one of my parents is losing the “I’m not as senile as you” competition? It’s quite close at the moment. When my dad attempted to glue the back on his mobile phone he inadvertently smeared the glue all over his hands and the front of his phone, thus gluing many of the buttons rigid and useless. But I think my mother has surpassed him with her own gluing antics. I think she first mended her vacuum cleaner with glue somehow. That moment seemed to open a whole new world of gluing possibilities and she has been gluing everything in sight since. In the week following her adhesive epiphany she has glued everything from broken toys to wallpaper. She’s consistently got the glue everywhere each time. But I think the time when she glued her thumb and index finger together for a couple of hours must clinch it for her. Oh the hilarity; every time she showed us and asked us to help she was also telling us she was OK. But [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] what is the worse glue related accident you ever heard about?

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