GOOGLE ASSISTANCE: "Bev's Backstreet "

For probably the first time ever there is a competitive race between a zebra-donkey crossbreed and a British Prime Minister. Looking at searches that led to this site during April 2008, “Zonkey” had an impressive 439 searches and “Gordon Brown”, 119. Gordon! Gordon! Gordon! Gordon! Gordon! Gordon! Etc.

Last month there was less focus on Jesus and more on Mary. Apparently, like her son, “virgin mary is a cunt”. Maybe it’s hereditary. Also like Jesus, some people would like a “virgin mary tatoo”, possibly on their tits. Ugliness is also on a lot of people’s minds lately. Such as “ugly midgets”, “ugly Mexican”, “ugly yellow motherfucker” and “ugly girl to marry you” (?)

As always, there are an unusual amount of “nigger” searches that lead here. But “nigger sheep”??
Did he have any mutha fuckin wool, that’s what I wanna know!

There were reliably plenty of “gecko” searches last month. The most reliable being “how to find lost gecko”. But some people choose to use the longer scientific name - “spastic looking gecko thing”. Some are just in a terrible panic “what if you gecko is lost what do you do”! Some want to enquire about “sex with gecko”. Others have succeeded at finding there gecko but now need to know “how do you know when a gecko is dead”, whilst others helpfully searched “don't play with dead geckos”. One person inexplicably searched “what time is it to find geckos”? Probably 'Gecko time' (said like "Hammer time" obviously)?

There are a lot this month I just can’t be bothered to assist with: “graphs of autism based on ethnic backgrounds”, “when did king hussein of jordan have his operation on his urethra”, “pics of athletic men”, “post op transsexual blog”, that kind of thing.
But increasing there are more I don’t feel I really want to: “siamese twins attached at penis”, “biggest object an anus can take”, “"benny hill" nude”, “grab transvestite balls image”, “mouse pizzas”, “frog biting penis”, “jungle grandmothers getting arse fucked” and most of all “massive shit hanging from blondes arse”.

BUT there are plenty I CAN save from Googling HELL:

“Porn in Sunderland” - If you’re out and about in Sunderland, as far as I can see, there isn’t much porn on hand. When you see what happened at nearby Darlington you can see why. But don’t be put off if you’re considering opening your own. In fact here’s the form for applying for a sex establishment license in Sunderland.

“Ukrainian cocksucker” - There are lots more of these easily available than you might think. But whenever I’m in Kiev I always use blurry eyed Lily: Kissing : with tongue. Blowjob : With condom. Cumshot : on body, on face. And pretty much everything else, but sadly - Anal : No....

“National truck pull association” - You know what? I don’t think there is one!!

“Michigan topless dancers” - Now if topless dancing is what you want then there are some fabulous sounding places in Detroit: ‘Bev's Backstreet’, ‘The Booby Trap’, ‘Chix On Dix’, ‘Hard Body Café’, ‘Henry VIII’, ‘The Silver Cricket’, ‘The Toy Chest’ and, last but not least, ‘The Landing Strip’.

“Warehouse worker” - There are so many exceptional warehouse workers that I now feel compelled towards having Warehouse Worker OF THE DAY, as I do having Turkish Actor OF THE DAY, following someone’s search, but sadly for some, not “arse of the day” as someone suggested.
There’s no one with a more impressive warehouse working C.V. than “Animal”. And to think he only started out at the warehouse of Poundland. Dreams can come true:
“You may think i am completly fucked in the head, but i am a joker”
“Im insane but a very normal and nice person”
“Who I'd like to meet: Lucy Pinder shes the greatest woman to ever walk the planet and i want her babies.”

“Pie chart on depression” - I seriously don’t think there’s a better one out there than mine.

“Barry Killerby photo” - There are actual living people with a need to see a photograph of the person that was inside the Mr.Blobby costume. Unfortunately that will just have to remain one of life’s mysteries.

“Cake ideas for pot smokers” - Welcome to "COOKING WITH CANNABIS" - but be warned, some people also search for “smoking pot ruined my life”

“Nose before after” / “surgery ruined my look” - To be fair, this look was temporary, as doctors decided to reconstruct this man’s nose by cutting a flap of his forehead and attaching it to the tip, using the blood vessels in his forehead to feed the new skin.

“Homoerotic sensibilities” - Absolutely!

“Nice bollocks” - Check!

“Shag me” - Free Thursday?

“Sex on rollerskates” - Oh, go on then.

“Suck my fucking cock bitch” - Gosh!! And I thought you were a gentleman!!!

“Tom and Jerry merchandise” - There is some truly great Tom and Jerry merchandise you need to know about if that‘s what you‘re looking for. I know I want a Tom & Jerry tissue box cover. It would match my new Tom & Jerry thermos flask, especially if I’m wearing my Tom from Tom & Jerry costume. Then I can have a drive in my van (with sticker) in my very tasteful Tom & Jerry T-shirt and arrive home to my Tom & Jerry punch bowl to drown my sorrows for being a SAD FUCK....

There are lots more where the best help I can provide is in the form of a picture:
“Happy golfers” - Possibly too happy.., “The seventies fashion”, “Baby armadillo”, “Mark Lawrenson moustache” - Suitably makes him look like a twat, “Nuns and nazis” - Just combine both! And “Thierry Henry crying” - crying because he’s no longer cool,

Sadly, there are plenty I haven’t helped with, mostly because I don’t understand what they were actually looking for. Like “urethra play sounds”, “tchaikovsky+sunderland football”, “lower than ur nans nipples”, “your offering pleases tube kitten”, “terrified eggs”, “two head woman mouth” and particularly “oh fuck oh my god no jesus anal”.

Not meaning to do a bit of a “Rumsfeld”, but there are also things where I know why I don‘t know what I don‘t know:
“Nigger fishing” - Is that if you call yourself a nigger and want to go fishing or that you want to catch a nigger using traditional fishing techniques?
“Holocaust concentration and death camp attire” - I can’t ever know what they expect to find, hopefully not inspiration for their new Summer collection.
“Ginger people with big beans” - Do they mean redheads or gingerbread men? Do they mean beans or do they mean testicles?
“People who look like nuggets” - Lots of different kinds of nuggets, none of which would resemble any human I could ever find.

People are weird, but so is Google. To illustrate the occasional dubiousness of Google, search for ‘if I was’. I did the other day and not only was this site on the first page, but it was 3rd out of about 202,000,00! Explain that world!

Finally, congratulations to the person checking he was doing "it" right and resultantly did one of the longest searches I have seen - “A man a woman naked making love and the woman has her legs spread while the man is about to put his penis in her”.
Trevor, you’re doing just fine.


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