LOCAL NEWS: "Oh Deer"

There were some rather unsightly pictures in this weeks edition of my local weekly newspaper of the week. The worst of these is one of first time parents with their newborn baby. The baby had been biting, grabbing and fighting as best it could not to go home with it’s two fucking monstrosities of parents. Unfortunately doctors drugged the baby and the parents took it home with their hideous faces.
In another photo, a picture of an old man grimacing is surely not the expression they had hoped for. And I noticed a similar expression, underneath the headline of a story about anglers keeping logbooks. Because, just in case anglers weren’t sure what ‘angling’ meant, there's a nice big photo of a fish.

As always, there are some curious obituaries. But looking at the picture of Mrs H Tristrum, staring at me as if she were saying, “I lived a hard life and reached 100-years-old and now I’m dead and all you want to do is mock me... please don’t mock me... oh please...” Could you mock Mrs Tristrum? Didn’t think so.
Luckily, there are plenty more dead freaks to make fun of. Mrs B Worth loved nothing more than to change religions in her spare time. She first converted to the Greek Orthodox Church, but after finding that a bit too Greek, converted again to the Russian Orthodox Church. However, “realising there was no local place of worship she built a shed in her garden where the small congregation could meet”.
Dominating the obituaries, with an excessively massive entry, is dead racist telly addict, Mrs D P E Crellin. She used to run a care home and the staff used to “nip round to Mrs Crellin’s to watch ‘Dallas’” and “eat cheese and biscuits”. Along with her husband, she decided to moved 100s of miles to London to start a new life. Considering the great effort and upheaval of such a move, the explanation for moving back of “the girl who lived on the floor above used to play reggae music very loud”, obviously translates as, “bloody hell, I never thought there’d be these many blacks”.
Telly addict Mrs.Crellin loved ice-skating, so was obviously a big fan of ITV‘s “Dancing on Ice”.“But sadly was not here to see the final. She died in her own home, still with the phone in her hand”.
All I can say is the terms and conditions are clear: “Each phone vote costs 35p from a BT landline in the UK. Calls from mobiles and other networks may vary. If you die with the phone in your hand you may still be charged”

Personally, I always like to see old men that are proud of their trowels. Talking of oldies, the old people standing around for something or other are looking really smart today!

As you're painfully aware, most of the people featured in my local newspaper are simply pitiful. So let me introduce you to a local man who is astonishing infuriating. “Laughing all the way to the bank: cashier counts on comedy career” is the headline, accompanied by a picture of him looking like a cunt. He is has basically doing a poor stand up gig at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Seemingly unbeknown to the newspaper, literally anyone can perform at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and thousands of nobodies do, so I think the achievement is greatly exaggerated. But why do you call him a cunt?- I hear you ask. How so you know his stand up is poor?- You enquire. Well he really really looks like a cunt. As for his act - underneath another photo of him looking like a cunt, and while holding an ornamental deer, it reads, ’ “I bought this for £350...it was a little deer.” One of Phil’s opening gags.’
Simply by unnecessarily using the word cunt repeatedly during this paragraph, I’ve shown I know more about the Edinburgh Fringe Festival than he does.

The failing’s of the town council have again been in the spotlight. Residents are angry at the speed it’s taking the town to come to terms with and affectively eradicate the bubonic plague. The town council accept the criticism and promise they are in the process of modernising. They are also due to invest in massive cheques to use in cheque related photo opportunities. The only good news for the council is the enthusiasm shown by local fireman for the “human fire blanket scheme” being trialled.

‘MONSTROUS’ CARE HOME WOULD LOOK LIKE COLDITZ!!!! I have no idea what that means.
But I do know what ‘Beam me up: Star Trek fan club captain Jo retires after 20 years at the helm’ means! Jo has been captain of the USS Oberon for 22-years and even though she has “handed over the controls” is worried about the future of the USS Oberon, “Nobody really watches Star Trek any more, it’s just not as popular as it used to be.” “I’m now considering converting to the Russian Orthodox Church, as I’ve heard all you need is a shed.” She will say one day.
On the subject of failing weirdo fan clubs - local Christians are, unfairly in my opinion, targeting people with Down’s Syndrome, as they’re easily convinced about things that aren’t true. “Kick them while they’re down's” the headline almost read.

Finally, crime is again rife around the local area. But it’s actually rather serious this time, as a woman used the local newspaper to plead for her babies killer. When I say her baby I mean her cat... , the killer is actually a dog, but when I say plead I mean PLEAD.
But that’s not the only appalling crime that’s happened lately. There is a significant piece about a recent theft... of cassette tape..... from a car.... of cassette tapes.... cassette tapes... stolen....and it’s in the newspaper... cassette tapes.... cassette...... tapes.... someone stole cassette tapes.... which means two people use cassette tapes.... and think cassette tapes are worth something... and someone reported the theft..... then someone wrote about it..... and people have read about it.... about cassette tapes....cassette tapes....cassette.... tapes....an article about stolen cassette tapes....
I could go on.


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