LET'S TALK ABOUT DEATH: "Cheryl Sensory Perception"

I’d quite like to see a ghost. Having previously published Sexy Ghost OF THE DAY, I have a few in mind. I would probably write more about whether shagging a ghost is cheating or not, but ghosts aren’t real of course. I’d probably see ghosts in the same way as other products of imagination, like fairies, dragons and Howard the Duck. That is if it wasn’t for the fuckheadedness of people who believe in ghosts. People that post things such as “Me and my friend want to summon a demon and send it back to hell. How would we do this?”

Geomagnetic fields, infrasound, carbon monoxide poisoning, hypnagogic hallucinations - there are lots of explanations why people think they see ghosts. But, I’m sure you’ll all agree, we can’t fairly discuss ghosts without considering what Cheryl Cole has to say on the subject.

The former winner of ‘Most Attractive Girl at the Metro Shopping Centre’, whose favourite film is 'Ghost', thinks “You can’t possibly believe that when you’re dead that’s it, you die and then your body just disintegrates and that’s you gone forever!”.

When asked whether she had ever had a supernatural experience, she replied, “Yes I have. I was in on my own at home and my dog started barking. He was going mad and I didn’t dare look. When I did, it was some smoke! I screamed the place down. I thought it was a ghost because I was terrified.”

During, the actually real and genuine TV programme, Ghost Hunting with Girls Aloud, Cheryl became confused about the concept of darkness, “There were no lights on, and we were going in blind, it was terrible!!”

Not only was there a small “puff of smoke” to prove the existence of ghosts, but whist she was standing in a dark and crowded room, “It felt like someone brushing my arm, like a stroke almost. It happened really quickly. It was unexpected and I was really scared. I definitely thought it was something”. “It was terrible. I yelled and burst into tears when something touched my arm.”

When asked, “Do you now believe that there is something out there?”, she replied, “I think something definitely exists. The ghosts do seem to go to very old places though.” Yes. Yes they do.

As I was finishing writing this post, I found out that, by some measures, I am actually psychic. Before throwing the latest Sky Magazine in the bin with force, I noticed a piece about “self-described medium” Lisa Williams.

“Williams claims she has spoken to Bob Hope, Princess Diana, Natalie Wood, Marilyn Monroe and Ray Charles after they died.” She also has a terrifying haircut, but is not related to Robbie Williams.

“How psychic are you? According to Lisa, all of us have psychic abilities. Read her five-point checklist to find out whether you have the ‘gift’: ”

1- Have you ever thought of a person from your past, who has suddenly got in touch? [In all probability, I'm sure everyone has]
2- Do you ever sense the phone is about the ring and you know who’ll be on the line? [Um, caller display? 'Vibrate then ring’ setting??]
3- Have you felt a presence, then turned around to find no one there? [So basically, turning around and NOT seeing anything whatsoever is a plus point...]
4- Do people, even those you’ve just met, confide in you and share their problems. [May as well ask 'are you nice?']
5- Do you find you usually know what to say to make someone feel good? [Like the previous one, not sure if anyone would answer 'no, I just wish the cunt would fuck off']

In conclusion, ghosts and psychics are bollocks..... let's never talk about them again.


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