GOOGLE ASSISTANCE: "Regis Christ!"

Like a constipated elephant pressing his anus against a letterbox, I also have a massive backlog of shit that needs posting... It’s been five months since I last did one of these. But because of google I actually get more people visiting the site when I don’t write anything.... which is a saddening vote of no confidence as far as I’m fucking concerned.

As I look over the most popular search terms that have led to this site over the last few months, one of the most glaring new themes seems to be that of Jesus. Wide ranging searches, from “Jesus was a cunt” all the way to “Jesus is a cunt”. Of course some people are fans of Jesus. So much so that some people enjoy “Jesus porn”, which stars “sexy Jesus” and shows how “Jesus sucks”, which makes them want to “take Jesus up the arse”. Other people want to show their love for Jesus in a less sexual manner, by getting a “Jesus tattoo” or decorating their dining room with “Jesus wallpaper”.

The search for “Jesus twins” did make me wonder though. Maybe it was Dan Brown researching for his latest bestseller ‘Jesus and Regis: How Twins Fooled The World’. People also posed deep questions like “What is Jesus doing now?” and, a question asked every night in bars all over the Bible Belt, “Who would Jesus fuck?”. Then, presumably searched the morning after, “Jesus I’m sorry” (she was an ugly cow).

Many of the searches seemed to be a kind of confessional. From rather specific personal statements such as, “I'm a transsexual”, “I accidentally showed my pussy” and “I'm dying”. To universally understandable sentiments like “I love gordon brown” and “I fucking love pie charts”.

Having so many searches to wade through, some will have to be overlooked. Many would be overlooked anyway, due to their inexplicableness: “stolen buckets”, “jack russell terrorists”, “fish in a lake up a penis”, “why do i choke on celery”, “donkey show mexico”, “toilet paper penis test”, “prostate humor”, “racist chicken” and “how to care for a crowbar”....(??)

Others, a worrying proportion, I simply refuse to help: “selling my daughter“, “pig vasectomy photo”, “how to give head”, “dead+nigger”, “swelling scrotum”, “marmite porn”, “do pussys wrinkle with age”, “what dog has biggest cock”, “Fish love”, “pictures of jews getting whipped by the nazis”, “enema facial”, “retards having sex”, “arse blowing smoke rings”, “sexual behaviour in cattle”, “fucking sex very very hard u never seen”, “uterus scarred shut”, “razor edged dildo” and more than likely from the same person “cunt death”.

Enough of that and more of those I could help:

“Sexy golfers”: Let me steer you away from the movie ‘Nude Golf’, which has poor reviews indeed, and instead in the direction of the Terra Sol Resort for all your sexy golf fun.

“Criminals in Aberystwyth”: Aw shit, you just missed a photography exhibition in Aberystwyth showing the early history of the police mugshot!

“Ukrainian in texas”: Meet Valerie. “Originally from Ukraine. For the past few years lived in Houston.” She has “a weird obsession with cheese”, OCD and a fucking high opinion of herself if you ask me.

“Sexy nuns”: Nun’s have always been dead sexy n that, but if you really love a nun then I’d have to recommend NunWhores.com [BEWARE: ‘Tis porn]

“Sex blob”

“Limericks about thrush”: That can wait until I post my next Limerick! Woo! Etc.

“Slippers for a grandad”: There‘s only really one place

“Dying pubes”: “Do you have gray pubic hair that you wish was your natural color?...”
But there is a problem! “After a thorough check, there don't appear to be any special products available for the exclusive purpose of tinting pubic hairs; women and men who choose to color below the belt do so at their own risk. So, if you and your girlfriend want to play beauty parlor with her pubes — instead of using hair dye — find colored mousse, gel, or hair mascara that washes out with one shampoo.”
No product available? I see a gap in the market. Ah but it’s too late, as I read about “The Economics of Dying Pubic Hair”, on a dull economics blog, usually full of graphs and charts.
The product all greying vaginas want is Betty, ‘Color for the hair down there’.

“Electronic singing tortoise”: [BEWARE: Has sound and ‘tis repetitive]

“Condoleezza Rice skatin”: Along with figure skating, Rice started learning French, music and ballet at age three. That’s it....just fucking facts and nothing else for this one.

“Young farmers slogans”: The answer is, quite literally, “Fun, Learning, and Achievement”....emphasis on the ‘fun’

“Yeovil porn”: I’ve gone one better and found a sex campsite just north of Yeovil! Jan & Harry say, “It has been our little haven for the last 16 years. As the success of the venture improves then so will the facilities available to you. In particular we have invested in converting our cowshed into a club house for everyone's benefit.”
But there are rules to your orgasming! “We are sorry to say that, as this is an organic farm, animals (especially dogs and cats) will not be permitted as this would void our status.”
And, “Please DO NOT come into the farm house. This is a private area and we want to keep it so. Be aware that we keep Rottweiler dogs and they are bound to make their presence known. You will be perfectly safe as long as you and the dogs are on different sides of the white tape ELECTRIC FENCE.”
Well, Rocky 23 does say “the atmosphere is electric”. He he he.
But don’t let all that put you off, it really is a sexual heaven on earth.

For your information, the most popular searches are for “retards” and “zonkey”, around 200 a month for each. One of the longest, most specific and confusingly expectant was the search, “advice how to tell my mother i want to sex with her for my Christmas present”. Obviously you have to ask Santa. But you just watch, I bet we'll see it featured on TV shows reviewing the must-have present for Christmas 2008.


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