#103: "Spring Roll"

The ideas of replenishment, positive change and preparation for imminent joys that come with springtime have not been lost on me. I’ve had my annual autonomous haircut, I'm soon going to replace my, now tattered, but once beautiful slippers and have recently rediscovered my dedication to creating posts “crammed full of random shite”.

To continue the productive roll I’m on this spring, I also, once again, helped decorate eggs for my nephew's school competition, to commemorate International Cheap Tasting Chocolate Day. This year I had to adhere to two important criteria that could affect my nephew’s chances of winning. Due to last year’s, it can’t be violent, so no yolk and gore. But it also had to be done almost entirely by my nephew, because that greatly improves his chances. So I was somewhat demoted to artistic director and putter-togetherer. From the beginning, he was adamant he wanted to do sumo wrestling. Not only did we do so with nice big goose eggs, but he won and is now some kind of fucking egg legend, which is nice. Not wanting to feel left out, while he was drawing sumo wrestlers, I thought I’d put an egg in an egg slicer as some kind of artistic stand against human rights infringements or something... Although it was soon destroyed... I suspect by the People's Liberation Army, they're like that.


Lover Of Sven-Göran Eriksson OF THE DAY - Tord Grip:
Despite being called Mr.Grip and often referred to as Sven’s “right-hand man”, there is no evidence he ever masturbates Sven in hotel rooms on away trips. The only stroking they share is the synchronized stroking of their chins, when devising ultra-conservative football tactics.

Tattoo OF THE DAY - Kayan:
A Kayan girl, when about ten years old, would have had her fingers and feet tattooed. It was a serious and painful operation, done over many sittings. A year later and the girls forearms should have been completed. The thighs were partially tattooed during the next year. The process could last 4 years in total. The elaborate designs were supposed to act as torches after death, leading them through the darkness of the afterlife to the longhouse of their dead ancestors. I’d endure four years of pain NOT to be stuck with my family in a fucking longhouse! Fuck!

Rather Artistic Photo Taken By My Nephew Inside A Pub When He Borrowed My Camera OF THE DAY - “Private“:
A visual expression of the deathly dark postern behind which all our fearful discomfiture and peccability ensconce.

Essential Component Of A Successful Suicide Cult OF THE DAY - An apocalyptic deadline:
Depending on the gullibility and number of your followers, your chosen deadline can usually be postponed once or twice and maybe indefinitely. Being a suicide cult, it’s important to remember that everyone has to die. Use your choice of deadline wisely and get the mix of murder/suicide that suits you. Try it yourself and most of all remember to have fun!

If They Were Another Race/Sex/Age/Whatever OF THE DAY - Queen Elizabeth II:
If she was Chinese/black/a King.


As she again retains the title, my mother is fast becoming the Olympique Lyonnais of ‘Which one of my parents is losing the “I’m not as senile as you” competition’. The latest triumph coming when she had painted her bedroom white, as preparation for whatever colour she had chosen to decorate with the next day. But when the next morning arrived she awoke and almost immediately suffered a horrific panic attack. The reason for such dread, as she explained, “I didn’t know where I was, I thought I was in hospital!!”. He he,... senility...
You know, the only time I’ve spent the night in hospital, which I can’t actually remember, is when the end of my little finger got tore off and needed to be sewn back on. But [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] how many times have you been in hospital and what the hell for?


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