#101: "Reflection"

Apparently British men check their reflection 27 times a day on average. Not only am I far from being one of them but I actually feel rather perplexed by the whole idea. If I was to look at my reflection more frequently I honestly would not know what I was even looking for. I suppose I could check the consistency of my corporeal reality by making sure I’m still imprisoned within roughly the same, painfully average, fleshy vehicle. But other than the odd existential test now and again, I’m not sure how looking at myself could be that useful. I don’t even look at myself in the mirror when I shave or brush my teeth. I use an electric razor and I much prefer feeling where I need to shave and I tend to brush my teeth for longer when I’m not looking, so I do that. I haven’t brushed my hair since I was at primary school and I haven’t worn make up for years. I just don't need mirrors.

Sometimes, when you haven’t seen a friend or family member for a long time, you can only visualise their face with a vague incertitude. But this rough approximation is similar to how I envisage my own facial failure. Right this second I can’t picture my fat facial farce half as vividly as I can my close friends' and family's. In fact, without touching my fiasco of a face, I have no idea what the hairiness level of my chubby chops is. OK. I’ve felt. I’m hairy level 7.3.

The worst instances of self-recognition are all the other reflections of our image apart from through a mirror. Whereas I can withstand seeing myself in a mirror most of the time, seeing myself in a photograph or video creates axiomatic perturbation. If I ponder over this fact, that I appear to be the antithesis of how I’d like/hope to be, I actually want to die. Oh but don’t worry! Luckily I ignore the gorpy cunt I appear to be and just assume that it’s just a common phenomenon. Surely other people commonly compare their image and voice unfavourably. So even though the evidence in to the contrary, I’ve learnt to ignore all aspects of self-perception, be how I believe I should be and, without prejudice, take into account the views of a few feckless individuals who say good things about how I appear. Even if their eyes go ping when they take off their glasses.


OF THE DAY Is Away At The Moment, But Here Is A Picture Of What He Is Doing OF THE DAY - OTD has been trick or treating with my pumpkin


All the above is actually good advice, especially the bit about touching your face and checking the hairiness level of your chubby chops. But as part of this post I used the term “axiomatic perturbation”. I don’t know why, and I’m not entirely sure if it makes sense. So I googled “axiomatic perturbation”. I discovered there's only one instance of it being used before. There’s an ‘Axiomatic Perturbation Theory’, published in the Journal of Mathematical Physics in 1963, which I found in the Astrophysics Data System, a NASA-funded project. With that in mind, [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] do you think this is a sign I should strive to become an astronaut?

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LOCAL NEWS: "100th Special"

The lead story on the front page of my Local Weekly Newspaper Of The Week this week, I’m proud to announce, is the If I Was A Gecko 100th post birthday party I threw. As you can see I hired a steam engine and lots of locals came from all around (locally). I even invited some old people to pose for a special 'lots of old people standing around for no reason' picture and they all put on their party clothes. It was just amazing! And when the steam engine themed party had finished, we all went to Mavis’s house for a free-for-all fuckfest.

#100: "Whatever The Challenge, I Am Ready: The Centurion!"

100 posts! And I thought I’d give a shit. But I don’t. There'll probably be another fucking 100 too. And the more I write the more difficult I’ll find it to stop. It’s not that I even enjoy writing it, but more than I’m now an avid reader. For example, I want to know what happens with Steve Adams and Average Joe in the 2008 election! I feel like if I stop I’ll be killing off characters like Raul from Lima Peru, “Shane” the Christian rodeo and Cousin Loves Breasts. I’ll have no reason to write limericks! Well I don’t really care about writing limericks. BUT STILL, I’m not sure I can stop. It’s really brought out my compulsive side. Because I actually feel bad when it’s not up to date you know? Yeah, well I do! And what the cock for???? I think if I did stop I’d have to delete the entire thing. “My name is “Mary Adams” and I’m addicted to writing shit that no one reads apart from people searching for disgusting pornography....[everyone claps]”. See they’d just tell me to go cold turkey. But I really think I’d find it hard to stop all of a sudden. Nope, I’ll have to carry on and hope I get a book deal or TV show out of it. Jesus. I’m a cock and I just can’t stop.


If Chinese Philosophers Were Able To Communicate Their Ideas Using Hip Hop OF THE DAY - Han Yu / 50 Wén with “I Might Shoot Ya‘”:

OOH, I Might Shoot Ya,
Ma gun is double-barrelled,
OOH, I Might Shoot Ya
It’s big and I called it Harold.

I was once a little orphan,
With a little orphan brain.
But now I’m so successful
I feel obliged to use cocaine.

So OOH, I Might Shoot Ya,
And then you’re cluckin’ screwed
OOH, I Might Shoot Ya,
If I wasn’t in such a good mood.

I write all kinds of things,
But mostly essays and poems.
And I have a huge cult following,
Even bigger than Jim Bowen’s

So OOH, I Might Shoot Ya,
So don’t you dare forget!
Yeah OOH, I Might Shoot Ya,
If it didn’t make me feel upset...

Yeah, OOH I Might Shoot Ya,
You’ll be lucky if I don’t.
OOH, I Might Shoot Ya,
But you know I probably won’t......

Bean OF THE DAY - Roy Bean:
Legendary figure of the Wild West, Judge Roy Bean was Justice of the Peace and famously held court in his saloon. An early advocate of racial equility, with such rulings as, “homicide is the killing of a human being; however, I can’t find no law against killing a Chinamen”.
Let’s make some big Roy Bean burgers!

Lover Of Sven-Göran Eriksson OF THE DAY - Saima Ansari:
As a single mum of two, living on benefits, former warehouse worker, Saima, 38, first spotted Sven while he was England manager and had a photo taken with him. When she saw him again, as the manager of Manchester City, she gave him her number. She soon received calls at her flat near Strangeways Prison, asking her to visit Sven at his £1,500-a-night hotel suite in the city. She was called on whenever he had a few spare hours, but she never stayed the night. Despite this, she concluded, “He was a real gentleman”; “I had debts of more than £10,000 and he paid them off -just like that! He was a real gentleman!”
Even though he was “the best lover I have had by far”, it wasn’t just about sex. While watching football on TV, “I would take a bottle of oil and he would sit there watching and I would massage his scalp.” “I would massage his hands and tell him he was my ‘poor baby'.” “At other times I would feed him cheese and crackers as he watched Match of the Day in his bathrobe.” Since finding out he’s poking anything with a warm hole, she is not longer feeding him cheese and crackers. But like all his ex-lovers, “It has been the most beautiful time I have experienced. I did love him, and I still do.”
She later sold her story of money, sex and excitement to the News of the World, revealing such extraordinary details as, “every room in the hotel has state-of-the-art Bang & Olufsen entertainment systems”.

Tattoo OF THE DAY - Concentration camp identification tattoo:
Originally marked onto clothing, the practice of systematically tattooing inmates with an identification number became logistically necessary due to the dramatic increase in the death rate. As clothes were removed from corpses, it became clear a permanent form of identification was needed. So tattooing was done with a single needle on the left forearm.
David Blaine has the concentration camp number of Primo Levi, a well-known holocaust survivor, on his left forearm. He must imagine it makes a profound statement. What a fucking cock.

Rather Artistic Photo Taken By My Nephew Inside A Pub When He Borrowed My Camera OF THE DAY - “From The Grill”:
Symbolising the carnivorous, licentious masculinity of the insular working-class’s hyperbolic self-image of indigenousness.


I went through a phase of liking toys that were basically toy men in masks from bad eighties TV shows. I was just really fascinated by the fact they had masks!! But [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] which bad eighties cartoon that included men in masks was the best, MASK or The Centurions?

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SEX-CHATATHON: "Wrinkles"

It’s coming up to 100 posts of If I Was A Gecko, so I thought I’d do the logical thing and see if I could get someone to role-play with me that I’m 100-years-old (as Mary):

9 inches of Young Hard cock: hi
9 inches of Young Hard cock: asl
Mary: 35 f ky
9 inches of Young Hard cock: nice im 18 M
9 inches of Young Hard cock: do you like younger cock
Mary: Yes
9 inches of Young Hard cock: wat was the Youngest you had??
Mary: um 17
9 inches of Young Hard cock: nice
9 inches of Young Hard cock: I love older pussy
Mary: I was 16 at the time though, so does that count?
9 inches of Young Hard cock: no
9 inches of Young Hard cock: im here with my mom is that ok??
Mary: how do you mean, with your mom?
9 inches of Young Hard cock: she likes 2 suck my big cock
Mary: would you let your grandmother do that too?
9 inches of Young Hard cock: well no coz shes dead
Mary: say she wasn’t though
Mary: would you?
9 inches of Young Hard cock: no too old
Mary: whats too old?
9 inches of Young Hard cock: 60 and over
Mary: how old is your mother?
9 inches of Young Hard cock: 45
Mary: you wanna roleplay?
9 inches of Young Hard cock: wat do you have in mind
Mary: well can I be over 60?
9 inches of Young Hard cock: you can do what ever you want
Mary: how about it’s my 100th birthday and youre my birthday present?
9 inches of Young Hard cock: ok
Mary: how you want to start it?
9 inches of Young Hard cock: you start
Mary: me start it?
9 inches of Young Hard cock: yes
Mary: ok
Mary: how about I slowly go to answer the door and there’s a big huge box on the doorstep..
Mary: what next?
Mary: you there?
Mary: hello?




Master: hi
Master: want some fun?
Mary: sure
Master: tell me and be honest what is ure sexual fantasy
Master: I can work it into a rp
Mary: you like older women?
Master: sure
Master: ure asl and be honest
Mary: 35 f ky
Mary: u
Master: 25 m scotland
Master: hope you like younger Scottish guys ; )
Mary: maybe
Master: ewwww lol
Master: are u single
Master: its ok if you’re not
Mary: married
Master: cool
Master: u ever cheated on ure husband
Mary: nope
Master: what is ure sexual fantasy?
Mary: that I’m taken advantage of
Master: nice
Mary: like, I’m unable to do anything about it
Master: lets say you were blackmailed and are forced to do anything some one wanted to
Master: or an interview for your dream job and I will just see how bad u wanted it
Mary: how about I’m elderly and you’re my carer?
Master: tell me and be honest is there something you would do anything for
Master: like a job or kids or husband or if you owed me money you couldn’t pay
Mary: I wanna be 100 years old in a role-play, is that weird?
Master: no but tell me why u would like that
Mary: not sure
Master: what is it that turns you on about it
Mary: that im so crazy old
Mary: and helpless
Master: do you have any kids
Mary: 2
Master: age and gender
Mary: why?
Master: well lets say they were going to be thrown out of school for good for something they haven’t done
Master: just what would u be willing to do for me to change my mind and let them stay?
Mary: ..who am I?
Master: you lol
Mary: oh
Mary: can I be 100 first?
Mary: and then do yours?
Master: not in to that sorry, but I’m sure someone is
Master: good luck lol

Maverick: *walks over to you* hi there, my name is Rich. *smiles* care for a drink? *pours 2 shots of tequila, slides you one*
Mary: hello, I’m 100 years old today
Maverick: congrats
Mary: I can’t drink alcohol though
Mary: because of my medication
Mary: so, want to have sex with me?
Mary: I’m a good lay
Mary: lots of experience
Mary: and if you don’t make me cum you can tell me you did and I won’t remember
Maverick: maybe if we were closer in age. I’m a lot too young for you.
Mary: no such thing!
Mary: you not up to the challenge?
Maverick: wrinkles are fucking gross on tits and pussy. sorry.
Mary: aaaaah but how do you kow??
Mary: you seen a wrinkly pussy?
Maverick: leave me alone

RPHunter1: good morning Mary...............busy?
Mary: nope
RPHunter1: how are you?.....in a sexy mood?
Mary: sure
RPHunter1: mmmmm me too........ how old are you?
Mary: 35
RPHunter1: 37 here
RPHunter1: what sort of roleplay scenarios do you enjoy?
Mary: playing different ages
RPHunter1: any suggestions?....
RPHunter1: do you like to be younger or older?
Mary: older
Mary: u
RPHunter1: whatever is exciting to you
RPHunter1: do you like younger men or boys?
Mary: boys
RPHunter1: how young?
Mary: 18?
RPHunter1: very nice..... Want me to suggest a scence? Or you?
Mary: you start I think
RPHunter1: next door neighbors… it is very early Saturday morning.......pouring rain... my parents are out of town.... I get locked out..
RPHunter1: (I knock on your door wearing only a pair of thin tight silky running shorts)
RPHunter1: (soaking wet.. Knocking on your door).......ms mary?
Mary: hello...
RPHunter1: hi ms mary........ I apologize……got locked out...... (you see my eyes look at what you’re wearing) may I come in?
Mary: who is it....?
RPHunter1: it’s Hunter
Mary: yes
RPHunter1: (dripping wet and cold)...... may I come in?
Mary: Hunter?
Mary: that’s an unusual name
Mary: ....yes please come in
RPHunter1: I apologize for the intrusion...... (you can see the contour of my thick cock under the thin wet fabric)
RPHunter1: may I borrow a towel?
Mary: do you need to get dry?
Mary: and I’d suggest getting dressed too, because I can see the contour of your thick cock under the thin wet fabric.
RPHunter1: (taken aback from your comment........but it makes me get harder quickly)......I apologize....... I don’t mean to offend you
Mary: let’s sit down
RPHunter1: okay......... (the sight of you in your nightgown makes me excited)
Mary: well Hunter, it’s nearly time for bed for me
RPHunter1: (my cock starts to stiffen rather out of control)
RPHunter1: really.......?....... (I smile)........ me too!
Mary: is there anything I can help you with while youre here?
RPHunter1: (my dick surges)
Mary: well?
Mary: you don’t want to be hanging out with someone my age now?
RPHunter1: uh.......... well........ I don’t know....... (I feel my heart POUNDING).........
Mary: well I’m special I guess aren’t I?
Mary: there aren’t many people who live to 100
RPHunter1: as you can see (I glance at my very hard cock)....... I have always admired you
Mary: well I’ve cum now. Bye.


And the winner is RPHunter1! Congratulations!

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#99: "Grandmother Of All Excuses"

I’ve had a great few weeks of being on the wrong end of terrible excuses. I think this happens more to me because I don’t tend to mind enough. I naturally regard others more than myself because for as long as I can remember I’m nearly always “alright”. If I’m ever momentarily not alright I just happily take the challenge of any difficulties. So others can sometimes benefit from my peculiarly optimistic and appreciative disposition. When I die I’m sure someone will say, “Oh he’d do anything for anybody”, mostly because that’s what people always fucking say regardless. BUT I am definitely in the top 5% of people who will “do anything for anybody.” The only reason I’m not in the top 1%is because I’m unable to take things up my arse at the moment, which, let’s face it, makes up a significant proportion of things people ask of me. Being me is like a double-edged sword, useful for cutting tall crops but very dangerous. But when I’m not working in the fields, being me also simultaneously helps and hinders my existence. On the one hand I’m a futile object onto project hate or anger, because people know I accept things too well and that I’m not emotionally fickle enough and to affect negatively. But on the other hand, I’m seldom the object of love, because I'm sure I seem to be too content and at peace with everything to need love and want love. Don’t get me wrong, they all still suck me off, they just don’t ever end up moving in with me..... Shit, that didn’t sound enough like a joke......... that was a joke....

Due to seeming perversely easy going, I’m very easy to fuck over. If I lend you £100 and you don’t give it back I probably won’t care enough to hassle you for it. Lately the problem has been in the form of friends letting me down. In the last week or so there has been a triptych of incidents that illustrate this problem. Not that this is new. I’ve probably been stood up more times than a wonky traffic cone. But three acquaintances have let me down recently that has made me reconsidered being me. I hear there’s a vacancy to be ‘Mike from Portsmouth’, and I’m thinking about going for an interview.

The first excuse came just before a friend from Wales was due to visit. When I got in touch to see if she was still coming she had apparently “broken her leg”. She didn’t go into detail, so I don’t know if it was an accident or deliberately engineered or maybe just not true! It is a fair train journey, so, being very very very very nice, I wouldn't have minded if she just couldn’t be bothered when the time came. But I actually think it could all be even worse than that. She’s apparently a twin, but I’ve never seen her twin sister. So I’m now starting to think maybe she's invented this twin as a backup plan. So one day she will probably call me or meet me and say, “Hello, I’m her twin sister. I’m sorry but she’s definitely dead. So you probably shouldn’t bother contacting her again.... Oh furthermore, don’t look for her grave, we buried her at sea. Bye.” That WILL happen one day.

The next excuse was from a friend I was going somewhere with because he had no one to go with. Being a very very very kind person, I gladly agreed to go with him. I got things ready, made the day free but when I spoke to him several days prior, I found out he’d now arranged to go with “other people” without fucking telling me and that I was now superfluous and should fuck the fucking fuck off like the fucking fuck I fucking am. That’s exactly what I remember him saying, although, to be fair, he didn’t swear.

The most recent occurrence was with a friend I was going out for the day with and to a show in the evening. I had a few things planned and a couple of gifts I was looking forward to giving her, because I’m very very very very kind ‘n’ that. She first said she couldn’t come because she’d have to meet later than she thought we were going to. But I wasn’t planning on meeting early so we agreed that wasn’t a problem. Just in case that was an indication that she didn’t want to go, I double-checked before I bought tickets, “but really, if you don’t want to bother that’s fine, I don’t mind” (repeatedly). I’d made sure but still.... the day before, she cancelled because she hadn’t slept much that week and was predicting the only time she’d be able to sleep would be the exact time she’d be meeting me. I told her I was disappointed and that’d I’d pay for somewhere to stop over if she didn’t’ feel like travelling home at night and eventually she said she would come after all..... only to send a text on the day, just as I was getting off the train, telling me she wasn‘t coming after all. A whole day, 2 tickets and only myself. If I’d bought tickets for something she really wanted to see I’m sure I wouldn’t have been alone...... which only makes it worse.

I feel like I’m in a poor sitcom, when someone is asked out but doesn’t want to go and says they’re busy only for the other person to reply, “but I haven’t told you when it is yet”. But those three friends are all definitely relegated to the lower divisions of my mind. Which leads on to a truly terrible string of bad excuses from Manchester City and Ireland footballer, Stephen Ireland. The story is certainly worthy of becoming another geck-iblical moral tale. So his name is Ireland, he plays for Ireland and he was playing a match in Slovakia... and that’s not even the story! Mr.Ireland was apparently getting bullied by his team-mates for having hair on his head where there wasn’t before. They pinned him down and pulled at his hair..... but that’s not even the story either!! Because following the match in Slovakia they were about to travel to Czech Republic for another match. Before doing so, his girlfriend called, leading him to ask if he could go home because his maternal grandmother had died and she’d been like a mother to him and bought him up from the age of 5 and blah blah! The football association arranged a private jet to fly him home from Bratislava. Before leaving, he let the team’s media officer know what had happened to his poor grandmother, Patricia Tallon and the newspapers the next day then reported his absence and this tragedy in his life. He also later asked Eriksson, his club manager, for his compassionate leave to be extended, indicating he would not be able to play for them because he was still grieving and had to help with funeral arrangements.
But early on the Monday morning he got a phone call from a confused Ireland manager telling him that the association had discovered his “dead” grandmother, Patricia Tallon, was not dead, but instead a bit puzzled why she was reading about her grandson grieving over her and arranging her funeral. It was OK though, because he accidentally told everyone it was his maternal grandmother when it was actually his father’s mother, Brenda from London who’d died. It was just a misunderstanding. They found her alive too.... and reading about her own death. Just when he had run out of grandmothers to lie about, he then audaciously claimed that one of his grandfathers was divorced and that it was his elderly partner who had died. Yeah, not dead. He eventually realised that if you were telling people someone had died you’d have to either eventually tell the truth or kill them yourself. So he then befriended an old lady in Gloucester, murdered her and told the FAI, “I meant Vera all along, she was LIKE a grandmother to me and she IS dead. Feel free to check it out.” Well he would have done that if he was as meticulous as I am. Instead he later explained, “I decided at that stage that I must tell truth and admit I had told lies.” His girlfriend had been lonely because she had apparently suffered a miscarriage. Not that anyone can find out if that’s also a lie. But if he’d said that was the reason from the beginning, that alone would have merited compassionate leave, so people are still suspicious. In the end, everyone then called him “stupid”, he has received counselling for his problems and his club have enlisted specialist help from the United States. That must be a specialist in balding granny killing fantasists.


OF THE DAY Is Away At The Moment, But Here Is A Picture Of What He Is Doing OF THE DAY - OTD is enjoying autumnal frolics


I’ve only had one grandparent nearly all my life, my father’s mother. But she’s horrible and a bit like Ma Fratelli from ‘The Goonies‘. But [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] do you have any relatives that are slightly like a character from ‘The Goonies‘?


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LOCAL NEWS: "Jungle-themed"

Everything in this week's Local Weekly Newspaper Of The Week is slightly confusing and slightly annoying - you could say "connoying". For example, an advertisement for a local company that makes memorials, such as gravestones, included the phrase, “Small enough to care and large enough to cope”. Well that really connoyed me, as you can imagine. What does it even mean?? What the FUCK does that even mean???? I’ll stopped thinking about it before I start becoming rather flummuriated - flummoxed and infuriated.

Then there was a shit story about 2 boys, one who supported South Africa and one England, during the rugby world cup final. But the story wasn’t what connoyed me. It was the accompanying picture of them holding a rugby ball between them using only their noses. Why did they ask them to do that for the photograph? The connoying little bastards.

OK, I should take a break from being confused and annoyed. There is a picture of little children dressed up as scarecrows.

Well, another thing that got me fucking connoyed was an advert for bowel cancer screening. Now this connoyed me on many levels. This was definitely a multifaceted example of connoyance. Firstly, the fact the NHS think a very poor cartoon will persuade people in their 60s to use a bowel cancer screening test is connoying. And what’s even the premise for that joke?? Was he inviting all his over-60 friends over so they could all catch each other's shit? “Oh you guys, I didn’t mean your football kits, I meant the kit that includes cardboard sticks to stick in your shit and wipe on a card. I thought we could all do it together”. My father is over 60 and has had one of these kits, so I know about them in detail. But being the prick he is my father won’t do it. I thought I’d read it all for him and tell him how to do it, but no. “I don’t have to do it”, the flummuriating twat said. But back to the multifaceted example of connoyance. There's an Asian guy. You can tell he’s Asian, because his skin is “coloured”, he has a “funny beard” and “one of those things” on his head. How connoyingly politically correct. I don’t even think I’ve seen an Asian man over 60 in my hometown and if there were, white men in their 60s would not be friends with them. Actually, maybe it’s not an NHS advert after all. Maybe it’s a coded advert for the BNP. Maybe those 2 white guys are actually looking at the Asian guy with menace and “test for bowl cancer” is being used as code for “kick the shit out of”. And the picture at the bottom even! Why is he sweating fruit?? Text book connoyance.
And relax.

It’s nice to see the load of old people standing together for no particular reason are men this week. They all look very smart.

A new cost-cutting, anti-obesity scheme has been tried out in a local primary school this week. They are experimenting with a cheaper, easier and healthier alternative to normal school dinners by feeding the children cat food.

There was a piece about the local theatre with a picture of some bloke that has something to do with it (or something). You couldn’t really tell the photo was taken in a theatre, but the man does a very good job at conveying ‘theatrical’ using his face and body. He is very connoying.

Finally, I was glad to see an old school friend in the newspaper. I remember him being naturally really cool, unlike my own very awkward uncoolness. I almost knew he’d do something like this. So I was not at all surprised to read that he has recently painted a jungle on the side of a pub. It’s just so him. Un-bloody-believably though, on the same week, another person had painted a “jungle-themed mural” on a wall. If he knew the word, I’m sure he’d be very fucking connoyed.


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#98: "Sacrificial Lamb"

Aloha!
Regretfully, this post is being sacrificed so I can get up to date. I’m not taking this decision lightly and have listened to the wisdom of Dr. Paul Kamanu, the B.A. Baracus of Evangelicalism. To come to terms with this sacrifice I first watched one of his videos (Mr.T impression is at 0:23). I now understand what sacfrice really means and, for the first time, truly believe in God and Jesus Christ. His arguments were just too compelling, especially (at 2:14) when speaking about the Virgin Mary:
“Hoah! Li' whas the odd fo’ tha’ to happen eh? A virgin conceiving... hello???”


OF THE DAY Is Away At The Moment, But Here Is A Picture Of What He Is Doing OF THE DAY - OTD found a dead sheep.


Now I believe in Jesus, I‘m unsure whether or not I should give my friend a present I bought her. [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] What would Jesus do?


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FORUM MAGNUM: "Celery"

Discussions > How Do I? > What would happen to my blog if I died tomorrow??

Oh Him from If I Was A Gecko-

“I'm planning on dying some time during the next 100 years. If you are too, how long do you think we can expect our blogs to exist for beyond our death?
Shall I just assume it will stay around for as long as the Internet exists and get on with deciding the wood finish for my coffin? Or will it simply be deleted if it's left untouched for years?
As we trust certain websites to safeguard are words and images, is it naïve not to assume that the second these websites become unsuccessful and defunct in the future, the words and images stored by such websites with also go?
Even if I own my own domain (type thing), what would happen to it posthumously and in the long term?
Wait, this is the "How Do I" section... So HOW DO I find answers to these questions?..... I need to know what I can expect from such sites if I choked to death on celery tomorrow and what I can do to make my cyber-presence last as long as possible. Thank you.”


Swtrose-
“Blogs don't expire on Blogspot.”


Fair enough.

#97: "The Blond Years"

Anonymity is a valuable asset if you’re a frequent writer of shit like me. It’s also useful if you want to provoke really silly Nazis, which I also quite enjoy. But following a recent exchange of photos between a friend and I, I’ve reconsidered the extent of my anonymity. Because these photos were photos from my childhood. Not only do they not affect my anonymity to the same extent, but I look a lot cuter when I was 5 than I do now.

Well, I may as well do this in chronological order and get the most gender-ambiguous photo out of the way. I have it on good authority that it is red and not a dress.

My first growth spurt seemed to be width ways, but thankfully I was only a fat little bastard for a short while.
The next photo shows me as the great thinker I have always been AND STILL AM. Not that you can tell. Because one of the main advantages of writing on here is that I can stop thinking and dump any shit from my brain onto you and not someone of consequence.... No offence....

Probably one of the most accurate portraits of who I am is a photo of me in my sisters roller-skates.
Finally is a picture of me showing off my hot body while paddling. To all of you searching for “siamese twin porn”, that is my older sister and not a conjoined sibling.


Figure Skating Move I Adapted Last Night For Sexual Intercourse OF THE DAY - The leg wrap:
An air position where one of the legs is held at a right angle to the other, crossing it around the knee, so that it appears to be "wrapped" around the other.
......And with his excited explorer, he travelled south towards the Moaning Cavern, as she wailed, “One minute I’m leaving a comment on If I Was A Gecko and/or emailing ifiwasagecko@hotmail.co.uk and the next we're collaborating on a project .....baby!

If Chinese Philosophers Were Able To Communicate Their Ideas Using Hip Hop OF THE DAY - Wang Yang Ming / Wangy-Yangy Ming-Ming with “Jizzle On Ya Tizzles”:

I once worked fo’ the army,
But had a few concerns,
When we didn’t have weapons,
And fought with Chinese burns.

I’m also a calligraphist,
Which sounds quite exciting,
But all it really is,
Is a poncey kinda writing.

So fizzle fo’ shizzle
When I’m rizzle in a tizzle
Go up tha stizzles in ma hizzle
And do a pizzle with ma wizzle.

I sound so dukin’ cool,
Cuz I went to rap school.
Yeah, I know ma hip hop,
But can‘t always stop...
Pizzle with ma wizzle,
Yo, do a pizzle with ma wizzle.
I’ll Pizzle with ma wizzle,
Yeah, a pizzle with ma wizzle.

I developed the idea,
That knowledge is innate,
Which is a bit ironic,
Cuz I learned it from ma mate.

But ya know what’s good and bad,
From the day that you are born.
But I haven’t quite decided,
How to class some hardcore porn.

Oh fizzle, fo shizzle
Ma bizzle sucks ma wizzle
Then I fizzle and I fizzle
‘Til I jizzle on her tizzles...

Ma rappin’ skills impress,
But I really should confess,
I do these “..izzle” routines,
Without knowin’ what it means...
But I’d still jizzle on ya tizzles
Yo, I’ll jizzle on ya tizzles!
Yeah I’ll jizzle on ya tizzles
Yeah, all over ya tizzles!

Bean OF THE DAY - Moth bean:
Pronounced “moat bean” and also known as matki, the bean grows with a yellow flower, especially in dry parts of South Asia. The tiny edible beans range in colour from light brown to dark reddish brown.
Let’s make some Matki Usal !

Lover Of Sven-Göran Eriksson OF THE DAY - Katarina Huss:
The PR executive for Swedish airline SAS met Eriksson at a party in Stockholm a few days after the 2006 World Cup. Her first husband commented at the time, “She’s clearly in love with Sven and is quite serious about him. Katarina wants a long-term relationship, not a fling. She is beautiful, very open and sexy. But she’s a strong lady, with a temper. She won’t be messed around.” She is now his ex-lover. Sven messed her around, only using her for a short-term fling.

Tattoo OF THE DAY - The tattooed moustaches of The Ainu people:
The Ainu people of Japan traditionally tattooed moustaches on their daughters at a young age, by rubbing soot into small knife cuts on the upper lip. It begins as a small semicircle, then a few incisions are added every year. Once complete, the tattoo symbolized a woman's eligibility for marriage and motherhood. This practice was exclusive to women of the Ainu people..... and Jack Nicholson.


My mother has recently retained the ‘which one of my parents is losing the “I’m not as senile as you”’ title. To give the story some context, I should explain that my father’s mother was in hospital at the time with chest pains. Because relatively late one night the phone rang, causing my parents to instinctively worry that something bad may have happened. When my mother answered, the conversation went something like this:
“Hello?”
“Hello?”
“Who is this?”
“Who is this?”
“Hello, who is this?”
“Hello, who is this?”
At which point my father asked what was going on and took the phone, only to discover that the person my mother was taking to was actually a delayed echo of herself. She’d only gone and called the bloody house by sitting on her mobile phone.
I think if she retains the title again she has to be considered the undisputed champion of senility. She may be senile, but [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] don’t you think she spawned a lovely looking child?


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LET'S TALK ABOUT DEATH: "Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic"

An introduction to a new feature, ‘Let’s Talk About Death’:

.

.

Let's talk about death, baby

Let's talk about you and me

Let's talk about all the good things

And the bad things that may be

Let's talk about death

Let's talk about death

Let's talk about death

Let's talk about death

.

Let's talk about death for now to the people at home or in the crowd

It keeps coming up anyhow

Don't decoy, avoid, or make void the topic

Cuz that ain't gonna stop it

Now we talk about death on the radio and video shows

Many will know anything goes

Let's tell it how it is, and how it could be

How it was, and of course, how it should be

Those who think it's dirty have a choice

Pick up the needle, press pause, or turn the radio off

Will that stop us, Pep? I doubt it

All right then, come on, Spin

.

Let's talk about death, baby (sing it)

Let's talk about you and me (sing it, sing it)

Let's talk about all the good things

And the bad things that may be

Let's talk about death (come on)

Let's talk about death (do it)

Let's talk about death (uh-huh)

Let's talk about death

#96: "Are You From Mountain View?"

Having recently taken time to scrutinise the stats detailing visitors to this site, I have noticed two things above all others. Firstly, at least 200 people a month arrive here looking for twin/siamese/conjoined twins porn. But as I examined where people visiting were from, I noticed that there were visits every day marked down as being from Mountain View, California. So almost certainly someone is returning to If I Was A Gecko who isn’t looking for pornography. Quite astonishing. I'd obviously very much like this person to leave a comment/send an email. It would be nice just to know the people that visit here regularly and in the case of that person being an attractive female, it would also be nice to fly to San Francisco and view mountains with them. You should comment! But so should everyone else! Go on, do it!
The only possible reasons I can think of why you wouldn’t leave a comment is either because you're a Nazi, because I’ve had a sex-chat with one of your relatives or, most likely, because I support the Denver Nuggets.


OF THE DAY Is Away At The Moment, But Here Is A Picture Of What He Is Doing OF THE DAY - OTD is stroking a donkey.


Having recently tried my hand at teaching Chinese philosophy via the medium of hip hop, I’m considering putting forward the idea of using hip hop in all schools in the UK. But [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] do you think this is a good idea or is there just something slightly wrong with British people being fans of hip hop and performing “rap music”?


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THERE ONCE WAS: "A Prime Minister Called Gordon"

There once was a Prime Minister called Gordon,
His diplomacy skills he wanted to broaden.
So at a meeting in Tahiti,
He signed a new treaty,
That included sucking King Abdullah of Jordan.

Request a limerick

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#95: "Sex-Obsessed Obsessed"

Despite ‘Bean OF THE DAY’, the majority of the emails I receive refer to the transcripts of filth from fake sex chats with perverts, paedophiles and the occasional “caring, sensitive, intelligent young man”. Should it be a case of supply and demand or shall I aim for a greater sense of self-governance when it comes to the quality and content of these pages?

In many ways this dilemma is the microcosmical equivalent of the human dilemma between innate inclination and the virtues of rational pragmatism..... well....... excluding ‘Bean OF THE DAY’......I’m not sure what beans represent in this analogy. But as a result of this dilemma, we mature and are slowly moulded into a big blob of duality; a walking, talking compromise...... eating...... BEANS of social expectation...... covered in a conflicting and creamy ambivalence and basil sauce....... (Why not?....) This is all generally down to the fact we sense truth in both of these aspects of existence. But the full acceptance of one aspect is mutually exclusive to the full acceptance of the other. That can be said to be what the drama of the human condition is; the shifting sense of what is fundamental and the constant improvising needed to feel you’re rooted in something true. Luckily we’re all too busy (....eating beans) to scrutinise our instincts looking for truth, so replace scrutiny with mercurial consolidation of dictatorial instinct and hope for a greater meaning.

So it just feels better to examine the most oppressive side sexuality of through other people. Whereas sex has an anticipatory fascination until adolescence, the most persistently unconsolidated aspects of sexuality are often merely repressed or offloaded when into adulthood. Any extremes or deviations of others are, not only a voyeuristic insight, but likely to compare reassuringly with our own sexuality. Resultantly, I think adults are probably the ones that have the more infantile reaction when it comes to other people’s sexuality, because they can gleefully react to the uncertainties and discomfort of others while leaving their own to one side. Even the sex lives of those in the afterlife aren’t excluded from receiving a childish reaction.

In conclusion, I think I'll find you some more sexual weirdoes to which I will cruelly provoke and lay bare, thus making your own sexual fixations seem incredibly understandable.

Beans.


Fantasy Character Created Using A Still Of Hervé Villechaize During A Television Appearance That Used A Split-Screen Effect OF THE DAY - Ginky:
The mythical God Ginky has revealed himself to the world on the eve of the Evil Ranchok’s plan to wipe out the Ponky people. To cut a long story short, the God Ginky vaporised the Evil Ranchok. Then the rest of the Evil Ranchok empire saw the error of their ways and made friends with the ponky people. Finally Big Li-li reunited with Big Bo-bo and hugged him until his volcano erupted.


Figure Skating Move I Adapted Last Night For Sexual Intercourse OF THE DAY - Shoot-the-duck:
A position in which she bends low on one leg with the free leg extended in front.
......And as he took the safety off his riffle, he aimed, fired and shot, as she screamed, “One minute I’m leaving a comment on If I Was A Gecko and/or emailing ifiwasagecko@hotmail.co.uk and the next I‘m receiving a large attachment in my inbox.....baby!”

If Chinese Philosophers Were Able To Communicate Their Ideas Using Hip Hop OF THE DAY - Confucius / C-Fu with “Stroke Ma Beard”:

Yo. I have a beard!
So stroke Ma Beard!
Yo. I have a beard!
So stroke Ma Beard!

I know ma dad was a playa,
Though I was three when he died.
Cuz when he retired,
He got a smokin' hot teen bride.

I didn’t do as well,
Wasn’t much of a hit.
Cuz I worked as a shepherd,
And had a faint smell of shit.

But now I’m a hot mutha fudder,
So stroke Ma Beard!
Stroke Ma Beard!
We met on Stroke-Beards.com
Glad you volunteered!
To stroke Ma Beard!
So stroke Ma Beard!

I used to sleep around,
Tryin' out ma sexuality
Now I only get a hard-on
For governmental morality.

I don’t really write my books,
More an editor like Piers Morgan.
I’m not lazy like it looks.
Just ma brains not ma biggest organ.

Yo, I’m a hot mutha fudder,
So stroke Ma Beard!
Stroke Ma Beard!
It resembles your punanny
Which is kinda weird.
You should get it sheared,
Before you stroke ma beard!

Yo. I have a beard!
So stroke Ma Beard!
Yo. I have a beard!
So stroke Ma Beard!

Bean OF THE DAY - Hyacinth bean:
Confusingly, also known as the Indian Bean and Egyptian Bean. You need to be careful though, because the pods and seeds are poisonous and can only be eaten after prolonged boiling.
Get some snake gourd and let’s make some Padval Dalimbya!

Lover Of Sven-Göran Eriksson OF THE DAY - Marisa Cauchi:
His most recent “female companion” is the sophisticated boss of Salford Skip Hire. That is actually true.


My mother told me how she recently had something like a near death experience. She recalled the terror with extreme grimness. She apparently grabbed a bottle of cream for her hair and stopped at the last moment and realised it was hair removal cream and would have burned the hair off her head. Worse than the event itself is her solemn retelling of the fucking story and the terror that comes over her whenever she recalls it. Either way, I think it’s only right she is now losing the “I’m not as senile as you” competition.

I sometimes have a good idea for a post title before I actually have anything to write. But [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] do you think my latest idea, “Interview With A Ramp-hire”, would be as amazing as it sounds?

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SEX-CHATATHON: "Reverend Rock n Roll"

Following the initial carnal chat with “Christian” Shane/Carl and the subsequent condemnation of his past and sexuality in general, I thought I’d added him to Mary Adams’ MSN Messenger and see if his epiphany was genuine:

Mary: hello
Shane: hiya
Shane: :P
Mary: hey im not sure how i know you
Shane: ur not
Shane: me eithers
Shane: lol
Mary: oh
Shane: yea
Shane: Well nice to meet u again
Shane: :P
Mary: again?
Shane: so who are we
Mary: im Mary
Shane: I live in teexas
Shane: Im carl
Mary: im in KY
Shane: O cool
Shane: i’m a builder
Shane: homes churches
Shane: I love God
Mary: oh cool
Shane: with all my heart
Shane: and soul
Mary: my husband is like that
Shane: O kool
Shane: im happy
Shane: 4 you
Shane: and him
Mary: oh im not as much into it as he is
Shane: o yea
Mary: he's a part time pastor
Shane: wow
Shane: ne ways
Mary: you married too?
Shane: no im divorced
Shane: yup
Mary: oh im sorry
Shane: yea me tooo
Mary: why is that?
Shane: its sad
Mary: ok
Shane: not gods will
Mary: sorry, did you say how old you are?
Shane: 60
Mary: ok
Mary: im 39
Shane: oh thats good
Mary: how do you mean?
Shane: your young and got it going on
Mary: going on eh?
Shane: lol yea i guess r u happy
Mary: ooh yeah
Mary: i thought you meant something else
Shane: yaysssss
Shane: no
Shane: im a nice guy
Mary: ha ok, you sound kinda schizo too
Shane: lol
Mary: my husband is a nice guy, but its sucks some times
Shane: o yea hows that loves
Mary: well nice guy can be boring you know
Shane: heehee
Shane: yup
Mary: i mean he works in technology, he does his part time pastoring thing and he does all this stupid politics things too
Mary: so i dont really get a look in
Shane: dang where do u fit in
Shane: :P
Mary: so where were you born?
Shane: Alabama
Shane: yo
Mary: i was born in Kalamazoo, Michigan but grew up in Georgia
Shane: sweet
Shane: southern breed girl :)
Mary: ha you like that?
Shane: why not
Shane: most southern gurls rock
Mary: well thank you
Shane: welcomes loves
Mary: though i doubt im your type
Shane: Oh hows that
Mary: im not a big church person myself
Shane: variety makes up rainv bows
Shane: :P
Mary: yeah but youd never go with a girl who wasnt a believer would you?
Shane: ha ah
Shane: depends
Shane: On waht Im looking 4
Mary: well what is there, other than a friend or a wife?
Shane: gf s
Shane: :P
Mary: oh i seeee
Shane: Yea like i go dancing lots
Mary: cool
Shane: loves it
Shane: I pick up babes
Mary: wow cool
Shane: some are single some not I don't ask
Shane: Only god knows right
Shane: :P
Mary: so you get alot then?
Shane: yea
Shane: guess u could say that
Shane: ha ha Im a ole rock n roll singer go figure
Mary: cool
Shane: smiles
Mary: i dont get much myself
Shane: dang gurl
Mary: my hubby is a busy man
Shane: that sucks
Shane: He’s a nerd
Mary: he's running as an independent in 2008
Mary: not that anyone will vote for him
Mary: he is a total nerd though
Mary: so you single now right?
Shane: yes
Mary: now that sucks
Shane: why
Mary: i mean god is good n all, but getting laid...thats more ma thing
Shane: sweet
Mary: you think the same?
Shane: i love sex
Shane: where ya live loves
Mary: KY
Mary: why?
Shane: what part
Mary: hey how do i know i can trust you?
Shane: you don't
Shane: lol
Shane: this is the internet bABE
Shane: LOL
Shane: :P
Mary: aah i see
Shane: HA HA
Mary: maybe i shouldnt then!
Shane: dO YA NOW
Shane: could she should she....

It trailed off as he became suspicious. Fuck, I thought I was a brilliant “Mary from Kalamazoo” too!
“Yea like i go dancing lots. Loves it. I pick up babes. Some are single some not. I don't ask.” That'll be those bloody SEX ANGELS OF DARKNESS then.

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#94: "How To Find A Lost Gecko"

The age old question. But what DO you do when you lose your gecko. I looked for the answer.

You’ll need to attract your gecko using the lure of food or a warm hide. Mealworms or crickets are useful to tempt the gecko out if you have an idea where it may be and are ready to catch it. If you are unsure where it may be you will need to look in the smallest of cracks and the warmest, darkest areas in your home, such as around heaters and under bed and fridges. Making a warm hide in the middle of a room using bundles of towels is a good method to lure your gecko out if you make it as warm as possible and leave it out over night. If you do have to catch it quickly, be advised you may need a spoon or knife to pry it off your thumb. Unfortunately, you have to be prepared for the worst if it remains lost, as this terribly sad story illustrates:

“My son accidentally left one of the glass doors on our vivarium slightly ajar and one of our two geckos has escaped in the house. It's been missing for three days and we've searched high and low and my son (8) is devastated. The gecko is about six months old and about six inches long.....”

“.....Unfortunately no luck yet...we've tried putting a box with hide, heater, food etc in different rooms each night...it's quite sad watching my young son's face each morning when he checks the hide before going to school....to find it empty! We'll just keep trying.”

That’s how to find a lost gecko, but can I find a lost ‘Gecko’. Because I have started noticing various problems with these posts. Luckily my dark, warm, mealworm infested brain has recognised the problems and found the solutions:

PROBLEM: The main part of any post should be a beautifully formed and meticulous expression of my feelings and a report of the musings swirling in my brain that day. Instead, it’s often marginalized my all the other regular things I’ve started, like reviewing my local newspaper, discussing the previous months searched keywords, updates about Presidential candidates and other subplots. That’s not even taking into account the ever increasing OF THE DAYS. Not only do they make me less able to actually write would I want to write, but there is often just too much stuff.......like a massive bucket of spaghetti and meatballs being force fed to a baby.....

SOLUTION: Make the basis of every post the main post itself and give any large feature it’s own separate post on one of the two days in between.
SOLUTION: Try not to go too mental with the OF THE DAYS. If I feel like I need to go mental, consider making it a feature with it’s own post.


PROBLEM: I often get behind, am busy or on holiday and am hindered in my task of getting up to date by the time-consuming nature of some of the OF THE DAYS.

SOLUTION: Once I’m up-to-date, make sure I post on time, even if that means omitting the OF THE DAYs and replacing it with “OF THE DAY Is Away At The Moment....” and give some photographic evidence of why I’m being neglectful.


PROBLEM: Adding bits of bold text here and there looks pretty fucking messy.

SOLUTION: Don’t add bits of bold text here and there and use it in a less fucking messing fashion.


PROBLEM: With all the different features, it would be helpful to be able to navigate between them, possibly using ‘labels’.

SOLUTION: Use ‘labels’, or as I am now calling them on the sidebar, “Gecko species”


So there will be a proper tri-daily post, posted on time and at least one FEATURE in between!!
The features are:
GOOGLE ASSISTANCE - the previous months searched keywords.
LOCAL NEWS - from my weekly local weekly newspaper of the week.
LIMERICK ON DEMAND - for when people desperately google for certain limericks.
SEX CHATATHON - a lot more unsettling yet compelling chats with pervy perverts.


OF THE DAY Is Away At The Moment, But Here Is A Picture Of What He Is Doing OF THE DAY - Sitting, relaxing and admiring the view.


Today I’m going to review ‘In Rainbows’ by Radiohead, because I feel obliged to by the whole world.
It sounds like Radiohead.
Various sites and forums have stated, with certainty, which they feel is the ‘stand out track’. Oddly they all choose different tracks, which suggests that it’s either a perfect album or that nothing stands out because it all sounds like Radiohead.
But the closing track, ‘Vidoetape’, is a profoundly moving 21st century anthem about the frustrations of having lots of video-tapes of all your favourite shows and films from the past, even though you only have a DVD player now. I get emotional thinking about it actually.
But the lyrics are very personal, as Thom Yorke explains his appearance is a result of being frequently eaten by worms.... He also gives a musical response to Sharleen Spiteri, with the opening line of ‘House Of Cards’, “I don’t wanna be your friend, I just wanna be your lover”. But [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] which do you want to be most, my friend or my lover?

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#93: "Yesterday's News"

For many weeks now I’ve neglected the lives of local people in place of unnecessary activities such as perusing happiness and venturing outside my local borough. I now know this is unacceptable and have rummaged through the paper bins of various local friends to show solitary with the facially challenged, racist farmers in my local area by returning with Weekly Review of my Local Weekly Newspaper OF THE WEEK.

We have missed headlines such as “EGGS!!! LOOK, EGGS!!” and “‘Sick’ thieves hit family in second raid”. I initially misinterpreted the latter headline as a description of projectile vomiting being used as a weapon.... possibly aided by eating lots of eggs, now prevalent in today‘s society. But they weren’t actually sick, they were merely certified mentally deranged ‘sick’ by the severely conservative local writer of that week’s headline. But the headline referred to the second “raid”. The first “raid” resulted in highly sophisticated thieves succeeding in their master plan, as they “stole food from an outhouse, emptying the freezer”. So maybe they were sick as in ill after all, if they binged on microwavable chicken korma and Sara Lee. Anyway, that’s nothing, so the second “raid” must have been the bad one then. “Not much was stolen but the place is a mess”. No then. Oh wait; they “opened my mail”. No. Can’t really be called bad....or a raid. They even “left cash that was sitting on my daughter’s desk”. What’s happening to this town, with all these non-thieving thieves....... aaaah unless they stole the free pens from the mail. It didn’t say. Oh wait, here’s the SICK bit; “They took photos down from my 14-year-old daughter’s wall and arranged them on her pillow”. It gets worse: “I am a singer and photographs of me in stage costume were arranged on my bed with my husband’s underwear”. That IS sick - you, a singer!!! Ha! She’s just fucked off about losing her Sara Lee.

The headline, “Town goes potty for Potter”, just shows how long this feature had been neglected. But it was great to see that a “local historian....dressed as Dumbledore, was among the fans queuing outside WH Smith at midnight on Friday”.

One particular cruel front page story covered the marriage of Julie, 38 who was marrying someone 10 years her junior. OK she looked a lot older than him, but incessant references to her being a dog was incredibly harsh. “Doggone it, Julie.....” exclaimed the headline. “Some catty folk might claim she is barking mad but one happily married woman now has a real “tail” to tell about her wedding day”. Fucking hell, OK she’s a total dog but - oh, no, it was because she had been “given away by her Old English Sheepdog, Thom”. Oh, that makes sense. Actually no, that makes less sense.

Some pictures, such as those of lots of old people or proud men with their attractive turnips, don’t need words. Inversely, some headlines benefit from the absence of a photo and further explanation. Headlines like “Boy, 3, watches as rampaging dogs kill pet rabbit”, “Hospital’s knitting box moved for health and safety” and “Woman who choked to death had been hungry”. Actually, if you do die locally, I’ve noticed you can only expect the organist to play ‘The Lord’s My Shepherd’ and ‘Abide With Me’. So when Arthur has removed the terminally ill baby growing into his orifice, I hope he requests some Pink Floyd to be different.

The same newspaper that claims thieves are ‘sick’ if they go about their thieving in an untidy manner also believe that a pre-school arranging a full wedding for 4-year-olds to celebrate “the end of the school year in style” is normal. The “Fun wedding day a fitting end to pre-school’s year”. “The preparations included booking the church and vicar, inviting their parents, planning and preparing the reception and inviting a photographer.” To me, this seems sliiiiiightly odd. But it’s OK, “Some people may think forcing toddlers to perform in a full adult wedding ceremony paints quite a unsettling picture of the teachers that arranged it. But it really was rather innocent. So much so that, during the staged honeymoon, we only made them simulate sex. It was just all a bit of fun”, they nearly said.

Like the Local Weekly Newspaper I should finish with a fascinating ‘On this day’

Also, BrEaKiNg NeWs - EGGS!!!!!!


Iraqi Comedian OF THE DAY - Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf:
Better known as Baghdad Bob or Comical Ali, Al-Sahaf became famous as the Iraqi Information Minister during the invasion of Iraq in 2003. Along with the inaccuracy of his information, the world became transfixed by his idiosyncratic speeches:
“The midget Bush and that Rumsfield deserve only to be beaten with shoes by freedom loving people everywhere.”
“God will roast their stomachs in hell”
“The insane little dwarf Bush”.....“The leader of the international criminal gang of bastards”
“We blocked them inside the city. Their rear is blocked”
His fame led to various fansites and dance tracks sampled his speeches.
He was caught by/surrendered to US forces, but they were only allowed to interrogate Al-Sahhaf, as it’s against international law to imprison anyone whose nickname includes the word ‘comical’. Although, when he appeared on al-Arabiya news soon afterwards, he looked less comical. He is now living in the United Arab Emirates with his family, but isn’t only remembered with ridicule. As an artical pointed out, his predictions of post-war Iraq were more accurate than most Western politicians.

Fantasy Character Created Using A Still Of Hervé Villechaize During A Television Appearence That Used A Split-Screen Effect OF THE DAY - Big Li-li:
One time friend of Big Bo-bo, Big Li-li was corrupted by the Evil Ranchok and sent on a campaign of terror around Plinkyponk village.

Figure Skating Move I Adapted Last Night For Sexual Intercourse OF THE DAY - The Scratch Spin:
An upright spin with one leg crossed in front of the other. The arms and crossed leg begin in an open position, extended straight out and high. They are pulled in gradually, which accelerates the spin, and the leg is pushed down so that the feet are crossed at the ankles. This spin is performed on a very tight backward inside edge......
......And with her nails in his back and his truncheon being wielded in her direction, she murmurs, “One minute I’m leaving a comment on If I Was A Gecko and/or emailing ifiwasagecko@hotmail.co.uk and the next I‘m seeing your expansion at first hand.....baby!”

If Chinese Philosophers Were Able To Communicate Their Ideas Using Hip Hop OF THE DAY - Han Fei / Feizi Rascal with ‘Baby, I Luv Ya Ass’

Yo, Yo, Yo!

Oh, baby, I luv ya ass,
Yo’ the hottest bitch in China.
When ya jiggle it like that,
I almost see your vagina.

Born into da ruling family,
They’re all funkin' thick.
Told the King ma good ideas,
But he’s a mutha stuffing prick!

Oh, baby, I luv ya ass,
Yo’ the hottest bitch in Asia.
I don’t care wha' they say,
About ya being manufactured in Malaysia.

I’m big into Legalism,
But some peeps misconstrue
And think I actually work for
Injury Lawyers 4 U.

Oh, baby, I luv ya ass,
It’s oh so round and big.
But canna first check ya out,
In case you’re a brutha in a wig...

Bean OF THE DAY - Mung bean:
A green bean, native to India that produces excellent bean sprouts.
Let’s make some mung bean buns!


Not unlike when I saw a shadow that looked just like a dog, I have recently noticed that a smudge of plaster in my house closely resembles a baboon. Surely you‘ve got to let me have this one. [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] What do you think?


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#92: "Truly Memorable Parodic Material"

Re: Dr. Loves Breasts-

Dear Gecko,
I'd like to start by telling you that I thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog entries last evening while perusing the Internet. Your conversations with assorted individuals and their various sexual fetishes was phenomenal...truly memorable parodic material. As someone who frequents such websites as theonion.com, I found I couldn't stop reading your conversations, so thank you for providing me with such satirical merriment. However I'm writing you this e-mail mainly because I have a request to ask of you. I actually found your website while I (somewhat creepily, perhaps) was googling the names of my various friends and tried out "[Dr Loves Breasts]". So [Dr Loves Breasts] was one of your conversation partners, and my initial knee-jerk reaction was to read the conversation with an increasing sense of revulsion towards him for his workman-like attitude in bearing down on the topic at hand with relatively little consideration for your obvious disinterest. But the fact is that I would be a judgmental hypocrite to see [Dr Loves Breasts] differently now because I've been in situations where I've been an equally horny bastard and have gone on chat forums at some ungodly hour of the night seeking someone to wank off to. True, I would probably have stopped if I'd met someone who was obviously not as into it, but maybe I wouldn't have. But you don't know [Dr Loves Breasts] like i know him. He is for the most part a caring, sensitive, intelligent young man who is nothing like the horny pervert that he acts while chatting with you on msn. And what worries me is that people (bored and maybe with too much time on their hands like myself last night) will google him and find your website. Maybe he deserves to be publicly judged because of his sexual lust coupled with complete indifference to your state that evening. But I ask that you please censor his name from your blog. The choice is yours whether you wish to delete my e-mail without further thought, or do whatever you will with it. Regardless, I wish you the best with your blog and I hope you continue to keep writing as I know I will be checking it frequently for new entries,
Cheers



Hi,
Thank you so much for your email. I automatically assumed you are [Dr Loves Breasts] , but also accept you may just be a friend. But I hope my initial assumption is correct, because I’d genuinely like to apologise. The embarrassment of friends finding out something like that is greatly disproportionate to what was nothing much at all. Coincidentally, I hadn’t updated the blog for a couple of months over summer and when I went back to it I did notice that the full name was part of that particular post. So much so that I was planning on writing a post about the ethics of doing stupid things like that. I actually googled ‘[Dr Loves Breasts]’ myself and seeing it was on the first page of google did concern me. You/he wasn’t really a horny pervert and the fact you/he did seem a ‘caring, sensitive, intelligent young man’, made me think twice about it. So I’m more than happy to remove the real name, it’s only right.
I hope, if you are [Dr Loves Breasts], you let me know. Although I’d equally understand not wanting to if you are. I also hope you realise that I would never write anything without a conscience. Unfortunately there is a thin line between a worthwhile hoax of someone unsavoury and the moral consideration of using someone that really isn’t the kind of person that deserves to be caught out. I’d love to concentrate solely on Nazis, racists and paedophiles, but the infinite supply of people in chat rooms is sometimes too tempting (especially when I don’t feel like writing anything original). I’m sure I would have got around to changing it sooner or later. I think I’m still going to write about the ethics of cyber-tomfoolery in a post sometime soon, so I’d more than appreciate if you wrote back.
Not Mary Adams



Dear Not Mary Adams,
Thank you for your thoughtful e-mail and the included apology. In fact I now feel that it is my turn to apologize. As you surmised, I was not being entirely truthful with you, and it was mostly because I underestimated your character, and for that I am sorry. In fact I am not one of [Dr Loves Breasts]’s friends, I am his cousin, [Cousin Loves Breasts]. I chose not to tell you who I really was because I was worried that you might post my e-mail on your blog, possibly for ill-intentioned reasons. I didn't want [Dr Loves Breasts] to know that I had viewed the blog, because knowing [Dr Loves Breasts’] he is a very sensitive young man and he would have been embarrassed to no end if he had known that anyone had read it, to the point where it might have irreparably altered our relationship if he knew that I knew. I give you my word that I am not [Dr Loves Breasts], and I can assure you that if [Dr Loves Breasts] did know about your website, he probably would have e-mailed you as well. In fact I created this e-mail address to write to you so it would be anonymous. Again I apologize for having felt that I had to deceive you, when clearly reading your blog you are not a fellow not out to hunt down and publicly demonize horny online chatters.
As for your goal to hunt down pedophiles, nazis, and racists, I applaud you fully and wish I could be of some service in your noble cause! I created a website several years ago and attempted to write some half-assed parody articles "a la theonion.com" style which you be interested to read. the website is [www.bollocks.sht] (shameful copy of the theonion). I'd recommend a few articles as being somewhat less shabby than others, including the Women's Organization, Cuba, and Ethiopia articles. Do you visit theonion.com?....you strike me as being someone who would enjoy that type of writing. Anyhow, now you know who I am, and if you want to know more about me you can visit facebook.com and add me as a friend. Hope to keep in touch!
Oh, lastly, at the risk of seemingly like an incurable curmudgeon, I noticed on your website that there are a couple of lines of dialogue in the middle that still include "[Dr Loves Breasts’]", and still come up when you search his name on google. You must have missed them when you edited it last time.
cheers,
[Cousin Loves Breasts]


Famous Person When They Were Young OF THE DAY - OK. I couldn’t decide between Tom Cruise and Jesus Christ.

Iraqi Comedian OF THE DAY - Walid Hassan:
Shia Muslim television actor and producer, Walid Hassan, was one of five actors on the weekend television show Caricature, a 45-minute comedy satire on Al-Sharqiyah TV. The show made fun of everything from U.S. forces and corrupt politicians to Shiite militias and Sunni-Arab insurgent groups.
On 20th November 2006, during a kidnap attempt in Western Baghdad, Hassan was shot dead as he tried to allude capture. Hassan, 47 and father of five, was only one of the victims in a series of attacks on Iraqi broadcasters.
He was buried the following day, after his coffin was tied to the top of a taxi for the 100 mile journey from Baghdad to the Shia holy city of Najaf.
“He was a star in the galaxy of Iraqi arts. Now, he's another sacrifice on the altar of this slaughtered country,” said Ali Hanoon, the show's director, not able to summon another doomed ship to sail on the sea of metaphorical pointlessness.

Fantasy Character Created Using A Still Of Hervé Villechaize During A Television Appearence That Used A Split-Screen Effect OF THE DAY - Big Bo-bo:
Big Bo-bo is a gentle, yet calamitous, monster that leaves the dormant volcano that is his home to roam the region, inadvertently trampling ponkybooberry trees and the occasional Plinkyponk villager.

Figure Skating Move I Adapted Last Night For Sexual Intercourse OF THE DAY - The Cantilever:
Similar to the spread eagle, she moves along a deep edge with knees bent, and her back bent backwards......
.....And as she squatted over his “1970’s avant-garde”, in tandem with immense anticipation, she whispered breathlessly, “One minute I’m leaving a comment on If I Was A Gecko and/or emailing ifiwasagecko@hotmail.co.uk and the next I‘m aiding the creative process......baby!”

If Chinese Philosophers Were Able To Communicate Their Ideas Using Hip Hop OF THE DAY - Zhuangzi / MC Master Zhuang with 'Mutha Fluffing Skull':

Ma ghetto’s called Meng,
'N' fuck, I get excited,
When I'm hangin with ma homies,
Or watching Meng United.

I was cruisin' in da hood,
Just outside Hull,
When I turned 'n' saw,
A mutha fluffing skull.

What tha dilly yo?
This shit is wack.
Whas goin' down??
Da skull spoke back!

With what was left of his dismembered head,
He said: "How do you know it's bad to be dead?"
I felt real bent and left da fluffin scene,
Then wrote it in ma book,.....chapter 18.

I have loadsa ideas about discarding social duty,
But I’m busy with ma bitches and bangin hot booty.
I’m the first anarchist, but no time for revolution,
Cuz they all go wild for my massive theory on evolution.


It was my birthday the other day and all I wanted to do was play human tetris.... but nooooo......I just got fucking cards..... Actually, because of my brain and mouth, my nephew is now adamant he wants a food-fight birthday party next year....
But more importantly, [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] how can I best use [Cousin Loves Breasts] to hunt down paedophiles, nazis, and racists?

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#91: "Ponkybooberries"

Monthly Review AND FREE GOOGLE ASSISTANCE Of The Previous Months Searched Keywords OF THE MONTH -

To illustrate how insanely high up If I Was A Gecko is on google for many seaches, this site is the first result when searching for “footbollocks”. I’m not entirely sure why someone would search for footbollocks, but it must annoy another blog actually called Footbollocks, that I’m above them. The very fact I keep saying footbollocks will increase my rating on google when someone searches for footbollocks.

“Plumbing is scarred shut from endometriosis”? I have found a more appropriate blog for you. ‘Decorative Plumbing’ is a blog by Kati from Pacific Northwest, Washington that is “about my divine body's abominable plumbing. I have severe endometriosis, a ruptured uterus, Asherman's, crappy tubes, handicapped ovaries and old eggs.” She's basically the personification of Woman's Problem OF THE DAY.

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a “sandra sully sex tape”, I can't answer “how do I system restore my laptop” without knowing the operating system and I still don’t want to know what “lollerskaters” are.
I’m not sure “suzi quatro wheels on the bus” actually exists, but during my search I found something sickeningly perplexing.

A “finger up his ass” can, in my own words “be quite a amiable experience....”
For the second month in a row, someone has searched for a limerick, a “grief limerick” to be exact. So:

There once was a woman in grief,

Contemplating death and her belief-
“Life is woe and dread,
When you see the living fall down dead.”
But it’s October, what do you expect of a leaf?


Ukrainian Superstitions OF THE DAY:
Whistling indoors is one of the most taboo things you can do in the Ukraine.
However a sneeze is fine, and when done in mid-conversation implies that the very last thing said or thought has truth.
If you see a man in front of you turn and spit three times over his left shoulder, he is only trying to avoid jinxing himself when tempting the Fates.
If he then turns and spits in your direction, it’s probably because you’re whistling indoors.

Famous Person When They Were Young OF THE DAY - Condoleezza Rice

Iraqi Comedian OF THE DAY - Odei Abdel-Sattar:
The Danny DeVito of Iraq, Odei Abdel-Sattar is the star of an Iraqi sitcom, 'Me and Layla', about the misadventures of a hapless romantic. The sitcom was in the news last year, as ABC News attempted to respond to criticism that its Iraqi coverage was overly negative. To show they were able to report positive aspects of post-Saddam Iraqi society, they contacted the manager of the entertainment division for Iraqi TV, Amjad Hameed. As they were starting to film the short piece about how Iraqis are still able to laugh, news came through that Amjad Hameed had been assassinated by gunmen on his way to work. Of course the cast and crew were given the day off and ABC News had to leave prematurely. As it’s obviously a difficult environment to produce comedy at the best of times, there are unconfirmed reports that the show is considering helping the Iraqi Danny DeVito by looking for an Iraqi Arnold Schwarchenegger.

Fantasy Character Created Using A Still Of Hervé Villechaize During A Television Appearence That Used A Split-Screen Effect OF THE DAY - Honky Ponky:
As the head of Plinkyponk village, Honky Ponky is responsible for preparing the ponky people for any danger that may come from the restless Evil Ranchok Empire that is rumoured to be concocting diabolic plans from the dark underground. As well as fortifying Plinkyponk village, Honky Ponky's other main responsibly is gathering ponkybooberries, the staple food of ponky people.

Figure Skating Move I Adapted Last Night For Sexual Intercourse OF THE DAY - The Lunge:
One leg is bent sharply at the knee and the other is extended backwards in a straight line.....
.....And in the heat of passion and before she could change her mind, he lunges with his half-metre muscle, as she closes her eyes tightly and yells, “One minute I’m leaving a comment on If I Was A Gecko and/or emailing ifiwasagecko@hotmail.co.uk and the next I’m helping to solve your writer’s block ......baby!”


There was one more search that proved popular during September, but I can’t tell you what it is. It had twelve searches and is the real name of ‘Dr Loves Breasts’. I had originally included his real name, but I changed all mention of it to 'Dr Loves Breasts'. But why?....ooh.....
But [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] if you were a fictional doctor in a sex chat room, what would you call yourself?

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