I am just so dOwN WiT Da KiDz, it’s frightening. I actually think I’m dOwN WiT everybody, which is odd, because that shouldn’t really be possible. I’m not really a part of anything though, probably including society as a whole, or so it seems sometimes. In one way, people would prefer me to be identifiably as part of a kind or a group of people, to make me easier to categorise. Personally I think, if they must categorise me, being categorised as non-dairy or waterproof is good enough...and also true. Although being seen as an outsider has it’s disadvantages, it is quite wonderful to be able to observe the minutiae of other people’s sense of belonging and appropriateness. Also, it does usually mean that I’m dOwN WiT Da KiDz, because pre-adulthood is largely spent overcoming the confusion of belonging and appropriateness. So the fact I have failed to come close to overcoming anything of the sort does make them feel dOwN WiT how I am. I generally get on with them very easily. However I have learnt things that are exclusively entrenched in childhood/teendom. Because, even though young kids watch great movies and TV, when they become a teen they then watch terrible movies and TV. I have also learnt not to disagree with many young teens opinion that the lyrics of My Chemical Romance contain meaning....somehow.... And however many arguments against death and violence you have, it will never diminish boys' instinctive love of simulated violence.....even more than self-love.
My nephew though, loves having his brain sucked out by a big exhibit, supposedly promoting energy efficiency and my niece love making a huge mess while eating pretty much anything. Also it seems that the majority of young boys are addicted to Yugioh cards, regardless of the fact no one actually knows how to play it, except maybe those weird adults who hang out in “game” shops. I am always quite happy to point out the universal nature of this irrational addiction to my nephew, whenever I see anyone messing with Yugioh cards while in another country, most recently at Lake Como, Italy.
A great thing about kids, for me at least, is that they find the random facts I tell them interesting and in the case of my nephew, never fails to tell all his friends and his teacher. Though I hope that wasn’t the case when my niece asked me “Where does the Queen live?” My answer was something like “she lives in London...in Buckingham Palace....but she doesn’t always live there...she lives some other places.... she gets around a lot.... not like a cat or anything like that.... she doesn’t lick her privates or anything, ha.... (realising the inappropriateness of the digression)... erm.... yeah..... she... probably has other people to do that for her.....” Even through it’s unsubstantiated, it’s probably treated as fact around my niece and nephew’s school now. I hope so...because at school I was always told bullshit by other kids that everyone foolishly believed, so it would make me feel a bit like God to have that power.
The best thing about kids is that they don’t force themselves to care. I think some adults are so in tune with a social consciousness that they lose any of their own perspective. This is also a plus point for being me. So because I have nooooooo idea what is a normal way to think or thing to say, you can be sure that what I do say is straight out of my of Brilliantly Ridiculous Arsenal of Individualistic Nonsense (....yeah?)
A great example of how some people wish to be seen as a valued and compassionate part of a group, is an old news story I told my friend recently. A woman in Liverpool reported to the police a bin bag, left in the street and containing the remains of a dead baby. The police cordoned off the area briefly, while they investigated further and the evidence was then taken away. No news of the death was reported and the police had not yet made a statement. But people somehow heard that a baby had been dismembered and dumped in their area. A makeshift shrine quickly developed, with flowers, teddy bears and cards, with messages such as, “R.I.P. Little Baby. Safe in the arms of Jesus. From someone who is a loving mother xxxx” and “To the mum of this little baby, I pray the Lord will keep you safe and well and you will come forward”. One woman remarked to the news, “All kinds of stories were going around Anfield about a dismembered baby, and that's why the flowers are being left. We haven't heard anything different, so everybody has assumed the worst”. So these people didn’t actually know anything, but still wanted to be seen to be showing compassion for this story. In the end the police did make a statement, but only due to the public emotion. So the news came though and the statement was released, “Stop grieving, it's only a chicken.” It was only a chicken foetus to be precise.
This happened not long after Boris Johnson‘s editorial in The Spectator that opined, Liverpudlians "wallow" in their "victim status" and that it is part of the "deeply unattractive psyche" of many in the city. It went on to say people in Liverpool “cannot accept that they might have made any contribution to their misfortunes, but seek rather to blame someone else for it, thereby deepening their sense of shared tribal grievance about the rest of society.” Even though this was provoked by “disproportionate” grief for Ken Bigley, who was beheaded in Iraq, I think it is even more affective as commentary for the “Chicken in the arms of Jesus” story. Although that makes it sounds like it’s now heavenly seasoned and contained in a value bucket.
But I don't think being on the periphery should always be seen as missing out on life, like it is by many people. On the contrary, it’s one way of really appreciating and enjoying what life truly is. To feel great, irrespective of context or social containment, leads to wiser decisions and opinions...in my opinion. One vision of a perfect world is where someone’s personal reflection is valued by the individual as much as their following of the ethos of a group. That is the main reason I have repeatedly turned down the opportunity to endorse an official fan club for this blog. You needn’t dilute or embellished your interpretation of If I Was A Gecko by sharing it with others. It is yours and yours alone, so don’t feel embarrassed of this wholesome secret love affair.
Poetry Courtesy of Ian Dury OF THE DAY -
Winnie The Pooh is having a wank
And what are you up to? said Tommy the Tank
Peter the Rabbit is at it as well
And all the young pixies in Dingelydell
Singing: Fuck off Noddy, you stupid prat
Fuck off Noddy in your rotten hat
Sinbad the Sailor is drunk as a sack
Mary Contrary is flat on her back
Pinky and Perky are having a snog
Little Miss Muffet's been sick as a dog
Singing: Fuck off Noddy, you little prick
Fuck off Noddy, you get on my wick
Happy and Dopey are smoking a joint
Sneezys flaked out, he cant see the point
Fuck this for a lark said Sweet Jack of Hearts
Which one of you bastards has shit on my tarts?
Singing: Fuck off Noddy you bloodless berk
Fuck off Noddy, you're just a jerk
Medieval Weapon OF THE DAY - A falchion - A one-handed, primarily single-edged, sword that combined the weight and power of an axe with the versatility of a sword.
Famous Colour-blind Person That Is Coincidentally Not Racist OF THE DAY - Jonny Greenwood - Guitarist for Radiohead and brother of weirder-looking bassist Colin. He has a son named Tamir, a daughter named Omri and a fondness for Jaffa Cakes. Has never once wrote a song, even with artistic irony, named “Immigration - A Crisis Without Parallel”, so he can’t possibly be racist.
Equations That You Probably Won't Fully Understand OF THE DAY - Concerning Cheese:
(1+x)p = r + xy ,
m = xc / (1+x)p = xc / r + xy ,
y = c + (+100 - c)0.09
x designates the amount of cream to be added to 1kg of retentate
r the dry matter content of the retentate
y the dry matter of the cream
c the fat content of the cream
m the ratio fat: dry matter of the drained cheese milk
p the dry matter content of the drained cheese milk
"Retentate" = Fuck knows
Wallpaper OF THE DAY - Snakes and lizards
Candidate That Will Not Become The Next President Of The United States Of America OF THE DAY - Steve Kubby - Libertarian Party's 2008 presidential nomination. Diagnosed with a rare, fatal form of adrenal cancer at 23 and underwent three operations to remove a tumour and not expected to live more than five years. For the next 25 years, Kubby controlled the symptoms of his disease by smoking marijuana and maintaining a healthy diet. He played a key role in legalising medical marijuana in 1996 and in 1998 became national director of the American Medical Marijuana Association. Two months later, his home was raided by police, who seized 265 marijuana plants and a small quantity of peyote. Kubby was arrested and faced trial for growing his own cannabis. During the 72 hours he spent in jail, he was deprived of marijuana and apparently became seriously ill. He went on to be convicted on a possession charge involving a psilocybin mushroom stem and a peyote buttons and was sentenced to 120 days in jail. In 2001 Kubby obtained the court's permission to move to Canada with his wife and two children. However, once they arrived, the terms of his probation were changed making him a fugitive. He appealed his fugitive status, through the Canadian legal system for five years, arguing he would be denied access to cannabis in custody and risk death from his illness! Eventually he was asked to leave Canada and was arrested on arrival at San Francisco airport. He was held in Jail, where he was apparently becoming rapidly ill. Even though currently on probation, he is running for president in 2008, using the slogan “Let Freedom Grow” and the new controversial policy “Heroin - great for split ends”
Yesterday my six year-old niece was excited to inform me of a TV programme that included two young girls that were born stuck together. “Ooh, Siamese”, I said, “...whereabouts were they stuck together”. And with pride at knowing the answer, she explained, “In the hospital”!!..One day maybe she could have her own blog just like me! ...One day...aah....
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