Following in-depth research I was disappointed to learn that these ramblings aren’t deemed very important by the interwebgoogleworldsite. The only detectable recognition resulted from a previous post, ‘Elena Dementieva’, being featured on some website. Sadly even that paltry recognition was short lived and I’m no longer on it. All because I named a post after someone slightly well known (‘Elena Dementieva’ tenuously used for a post about dementia). Consequently that discovery is why I crudely came to choose the name for this post.
Reacting to a request to show a picture of my town’s leading George Formby impersonator, I have started to add more links to pictures. The very demanding request, from an obsessive fan of children who badly impersonate George Formby, was so passionate that I obliged...reluctantly. Prior to then I had consciously decided not to have pictures or videos or too much “fancy shit” on here (I do try and make a lot of my decisions unconsciously, but when I regain consciousness I seldom remember what I decided). So I hope you noticed that in the previous post I linked to a picture of a Russian Oligarch's car smashed in half. This week I’ve linked to pictures from my weekly local weekly newspaper. I think by avoiding too much “fancy shit” I try to counter the current obsession with making everyone and everything appear completely and concisely summarized with soulless finiteness. There’s a much more pure truth to the open-ended, un-attributed and out of context utterances such as these. That doesn’t mean it's not shit of course, but I refuse to believe that a person’s intellect is comprised solely of their favourite music, movies and books (possibly accompanied by a few wAcKy pictures with friends). What you may learn from those people however is that they all live similar lives heavily entwined with the same cultural points of reference. Break free from mass cultural brian-washing! Brian can surely wash himself...so embrace the infinite, unclassified and hidden in the world…or would you like 'If I Was A Gecko' to become mainstream and be accompanied by me telling you my favourite music, movies and books and be surrounded by very annoying advertising.
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So apparently it’s 2007 for about year. I actually do feel rather positive about 2007. I think I’d feel optimistic at the moment if it were June though, but lets attribute my current optimism to the Gregorian calendar anyway. So far I’ve started 2007 by writing, in a more committed fashion at least, my first “children’s book.” It has the working title of “Monkey Sucking A Lemon”. I’m telling it to you in confidence, so don’t copyright it before I do or I’ll come over and rape your sandwiches. I’ve gone beyond the initial conception and am now pretty excited to write it and seem to do very little as the text is all quite autonomous at the moment. As with all things I write, the hard work is the 5 years of reworking of course. Besides that and Gecko, I’m also going to try hard to write to people I definitely should have written to before and with regularity. If you’re reading this and know me personally that almost certainly means you. I’m sooorry....but expect an email/letter/explicit mpeg soon.
My mother’s thing for 2007 was to eat less crap. She ate mountains of Cadbury’s Roses in December because she was going to cease doing so entirely in 2007. However she found an unopened tin in the cupboard on New Years day and has started on them - but that doesn’t count of course, because she didn’t know she had any more. Oh, it seems indiscipline may be hereditary.
To update you - the treasure hunt went quite well. As I expected it was mostly my nephew who did everything. Though remind me next time to do it when the house isn’t full of deplorable relatives. And do you realise how hard it is to set out a complex treasure hunt in conjunction with my mother preparing a gargantuan buffet? But it was fun! Also fun, was when I went proper ice-skating on ice of the cold water variety. I cleverly disguised my ineptness my pretending I was aiding my 6 year-old niece. In fact every time I tried to help her she yelled at me that I was making her worse. We did crash in front of Paul Scholes though, which was odd. Odder still Paul Scholes’ baby....blimey!
So, that Saddam Hussein - the thing about eViL dIcTaToRs is that it’s only circumstance that makes these people especially eeeeeeevil. I know several people that I’m certain would be a lot more BrUtAl, given greater opportunity. I read about the circumstances surrounding Saddam Hussein’s hanging at roughly the same time as the death of James Brown. As well as their obituaries, two articles in particular correlated interestingly for me. The first was one of many triumphant US newspaper headlines, this particular one from the New York Post - 'Saddam: The King of Swing’. One thing that leads to bad journalism, politics and social consciousness is a conveniently selective sense of righteousness and morality. For all the certainty of opinion involved I’d hope for a more consistent feeling towards the concept of life and moreover people’s reaction to death. I find it difficult to adjust mine, I think it’s simply invariably unconditional. Saddam Hussein, James Brown, Augusto Pinochet, Gerald Ford all reached the same instant recently and for me that particular instant is possibly the only thing that we all have in common. I’m maybe more empathetic than most, so to see anyone realise that instant does make me sense it strongly too. Strangely, the last such public images to show and evoke the same empathic horror were the ones showing people falling from the World Trade Centre. A partial definition of humanity could be to view death without discrimination. If you think about most problems caused by humans I think that homogeny would aid many. Instead, one of the few universal characteristic I see in the world is people’s ability to be sadistic when it’s apparently applicable. In case you’re wondering - I did apply to succeed Kofi Annan, but my hair was deemed too untidy for the job.
Returning to the aforementioned interesting correlation - the second article i read was dissecting the controlling powers of James Brown, even now posthumously. It described James Brown’s wife being locked out of their home for estate legal reasons and subsequently being rebuked at funeral. In the article there were references to his convictions for firearms, drugs and domestic violence offences and the usual stories about him deliberately scheduling rehearsals for when anyone asked for time off for a wedding or funeral and fining his band members for missing cues and having badly shined shoes. The two interesting sentences were, “This was a man who could surely have taught Kim Jong-il a thing or two about control”, and “Like most dictators worth their statues, he also liked to rewrite his own history.” It’s almost the inverted circumstance of dictators such as our Saddam. Apart from petty crime, music was surely one of the few avenues to success and recognition for a black teenager in Georgia during the 1940s. So James Brown was a dictator and Saddam Hussein the King of Swing, but both exceptional. The correlation one of circumstance, perception and moral potential.
Not that reaching adulthood means we have static moral potential, but the idea of exceptionality is exaggerated for a select few and totally ignored for real exceptional people who lack fame or hysteria to highlight it. There are people I know that use low-key evil very effectively and also at least one person I know that has greatness undiminished by their understatedness. As for Saddam Hussein, just imagine if he’d had different avenues open to him. He could have had one incredibly tight funk collective. Even Hitler - I can clearly imagine him being an alluringly miserable lead singer - just imagine a moustached Editors. Obviously there seems to be no personality type or level of nugatory that would even hinder you becoming President if you have the right family. Which is a shame.
Today’s post has almost seemed like my equivalent of the Queen’s speech. But a late one...not by the Queen and in the form of a blog. But that’s OK because inspiration is a neglected necessity for most people. Usefully one of the symptoms of my unidentified disease is to seldom be without it. The second most notable symptom, the painful rash in my sweaty bits, has thankful cleared up. I am just unusually positive to the extent that it makes me think I feel differently about most things than the majority of people. I generally don’t think they share a lot of my feelings even remotely....because they look at me like I’m a freak frequently (freakuently you could say). I don’t want to sound like a conqueror of negativity….vanquisher of depravity or....victor of malicious self-interest (though all should replace the Order of the British Empire). But self-interest a necessity of sorts, though without awareness reduces one to a bestial existence. Though that fact alone is a convincing argument for self-interest for some. Because some people would certainly love an existence amounting to little more than shitting, eating and wanking like an animal. If you’re bored enough to read this, that probably sounds like a successful night in.
Weekly Review of my Local Weekly Newspaper OF THE WEEK
The big headline rocking the town this week is: ‘Couple hopes to net approval for fishing lake plan’
The ‘lots of old people’ photo this week is as ‘Mayor brings Christmas cheer to dinner table’
I’ve always found it odd that a local paper has a section reviewing music, movies and DVDs, but a review this week convinced me that a random person at a local newspaper can still write excellent reviews: Kym Ryder’s burn and firm workout- "This takes four weeks to work so obviously I’ve no idea if it’s any good at all but a PR company sent me a review copy so there you go.”
I think my favourite picture was under the headline ‘Truck firm bids farewell to long serving legend’. Firstly I’m dubious whether or not it is possible for an employee of a truck firm to become a "legend". Secondly I think his facial expression is quite fantastic, possibly one of confusion due to receiving a dead baby for his years of loyal service.
Even though I review all the various local people with a large suggestion of ridicule, one page of the newspaper this week did seem exactly like something I would do. It was an entire page full of pictures of rooftops, each with a riddle or clue to help you guess to which of the town’s buildings the roof belongs. As they put it, ‘Is rooftop teaser a tall order?’ Though if I had done it I would have used a lot more rhyming.
Like most newspapers and magazines there is an ‘On this day…’ section, including famous births, deaths, events and so on, on this day in history. I just find it difficult to accept that there is no one more famous then their choice. “Died today 1988 - Karni Sheel, famous for having the longest moustache in India, 2.4 metres.”
Since I’ve written about the newspaper here I’ve noticed I take a keen interest in the details of local strangers' deaths:
Miss J S Woodward - “she was a quiet, private person who loved to play badminton, tennis and was the lady captain at Crewe Golf Club in 1963”.
It just makes you wonder what your life’s highlight will be when you die. On the one hand it’s an example of the modern need to summarise everything, like I rambled about earlier, but also surely a motivation to reach that greatness you have in mind for yourself. I do not want to be like one man who died this week and have my life’s greatest point summarised by “played euphonium in Greenway Moor Brass Band”.
The letters in my local newspaper are totally absurd but also equally laborious which is why I never include them. They literally just print anything. At the bottom of the page they actually state that they aim to print every letter they receive. Well surely that’s the perfect portal for interactivity for you, readers of ‘If I Was A Gecko’. So, when you next comment or email me, include a ridiculous letter about pretty much anything that I can send to my Local Weekly Newspaper OF THE WEEK. DO IT!
Commonly Misspelled Word OF THE DAY - Fluorescent
Neglected Body Part OF THE DAY - Carpals
Infuriating Cliché OF THE DAY - “Life’s too short”
If I Was Forced To Name My Daughter After An Infectious Disease OF THE DAY - Candidiasis (Thrush)
Dutch Swearword OF THE DAY - Poepslikker - Shit swallower
Helpful Information If You're New To Christmas OF THE DAY - If you haven’t ever tasted turkey, it tastes just like chicken.
The closing to my "Queen's speech", my conclusion, to solve unhappiness, disillusionment and despair........lists.
Lists do help to solve things. Best made when you mind is widened my something beautiful you’ve heard or seen or a certain event. You can list things you want, you think you should do or aim for. Then trust that list. For example I write things I want to write in these posts on bits of paper. One I’ve found recently has on it, “ideas like putting genitals on hats”. If I hadn’t written that down it’s possible that that thought may have been lost forever. I think I wanted to compile some ideas such as, when in clubs/parties and such like, wearing a hat or cap with a photo of your genitals printed on. Now, it being a short note, I’m not sure if this was more contemporary art, a fashion idea or something useful for speed dating. Whatever I meant, I’m glad I wrote it down. So write lists when marvellous things momentarily rise.
The only other thing you need in life is to dance. Dance good and hard. If you’re not a person who would usually dance then preferably do it on your own, to music you love turned up loud. Dance to James Brown!!....or in an alternative existence, the incredibly funkadelic Saddam & the Sunnis.
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