#33: "Lollerskaters, Lmaoplanes & Roflcopters"

I have no idea what Lollerskaters, Lmaoplanes & Roflcopters are, and I intend for that to continue. But today I’m going to purposely avoid my usual, rather miserably, overextended utterances. Sometimes I just feel contemplative and that’s what I write. Today for example, my nephew sat on my tambourine and broke it. So you will understand why, at times like these, I sound in such a reflective mood. He had already smashed my Tunisian drum, when he was two or three years old, so I’m now hiding my tin whistle and harmonica. BUT, I will not dither on the subject of humans' attachment to possessions or whatever, in a painfully long-winded moan. However, I am very likely to relapse, so I thought of an antidote. To counter the arduousness of my misery, I thought maybe If I Was A Gecko should have it’s own limericks. I’ll start one -
“There was an old man from Japan.”
I demand you write the next line immediately! Check how it's going under the picture on the left, especially when I'm sounding boringly melancholic.

My total and unending dedication to these pages became apparent last night. While at a friends house lots of police screeched (not that kind!) outside and did a big police-type-scuffle-thing with people in a car. They 'cuffed them and, I imagine, grumbled “you’re nicked son” As I normally have my camera with me, I thought I’d take photos to share the moment and possibly pre-empt the front page of my local weekly newspaper OF THE WEEK. Even though back up did soon arrive loudly and there was an unnecessary amount of police, nobody crouched behind their car door with guns pointing. No one even shouted “GO GO GO”, which did give me a very strong urge to shout it out of the window myself. Even when the eViL cRiMiNaLs were arrested and taken away, a police car still thought it important to keeps it's lights flashing and play their ‘Police Show Theme Tunes’ CD in the car (unsubstantiated). The real hero did arrive from a 24-hour-flat-cap towing service , accompanied by a rather jolly “do-de-do” and aiming looks of “calm the fuck down yer sissies” towards the childlike officers, as he winched the onto his truck. At the time of going to press there were no deaths, serious injuries or bombs detonated.
This was ‘Oh Him from If I Was A Gecko’, at me mates house, reporting for If I Was A Gecko.

Moustache OF THE DAY - Horseshoe - Popularised by modern cowboys, the horseshoe consists of a full moustache with vertical extensions from the corners of the lips down to the jawline and resembling an upside-down horseshoe. A typical slang for this type of facial hair in Norway is "Konemishandlerbart" which roughly translates to "Wife-beater moustache".

Treasured Possession OF THE DAY - Lots of smooth pieces of broken tiles collected from the shores of western Sicily that are now scattered indiscriminately around my home.

If I Named My New Punk Band After A Foreign Delicacy OF THE DAY - ‘Testicles of the Defeated Steer’ - A steer refers to a castrated male bovine. In Spain and Mexico, testicles of steers killed in bullfights are considered to be delicacies, and are served grilled with butter and olive oil based sauces.

Poetry Courtesy of Ian Dury OF THE DAY -

I took out all the seats and away I went
Its a right old banger and the chassis bent
Its got a great big peace sign across the back
And most of the windows have been painted black

The windshields cracked, it's a bugger to drive
It starts making smoke over forty-five
It's a psychedelic nightmare with a million leaks
It's home-sweet-home to some sweet arse freaks

Soon I was rumbling through the morning fog
With my long haired children and my one eyed dog
With the trucks and the buses and the trailer-vans
My long throw horns playing Steely Dan

We straggled out for miles along the Beggars Hill
When the word came down that we’d lost Old Bill
You can bet your boots I’m coming when the times are hard
That’s why they keep my dossier at Scotland Yard

We drove into Happy Valley seeking peace and love
With a lone helicopter hanging up above
We didn’t realise until we hit the field
There were four hundred cozzers holding riot shields

They terrorized our babies and they broke our heads
Its a stone fucking miracle there’s no-one dead
They turned my ramshackle home into a burning wreck
My one-eyed dog got a broken neck

Medieval Weapon OF THE DAY - A Mercygiver - A long narrow knife used in medieval times to deliver the death stroke to a seriously wounded knight. The blade was thin enough so that it could strike through the gaps between armour plates. It was inserted under the arm until the heart was pierced by the knife's long blade. A mercygiver is also know as a misericord, but this is seldom used, as many historians get it confused with a metal band from Johannesburg.

Famous Colour-blind Person That Is Coincidentally Not Racist OF THE DAY - Antoni Gaudí - Spanish Catalan architect, hailed as a genius, though some hypothesise that due to his colour-blindness, he only produced his greatest works in collaboration with Josep Maria Jujol. But he was never once heard shouting, “IMMIGRATION - time to say ENOUGH!", so couldn’t have been racist.

Finally, to be fair to my nephew, he did go away and write me a note of apology for breaking my tamborine. He’s good like that. Like one time when he kindly decorated my notepad. Aw, sweet.