PRESIDENTIAL IDOL 2012: "Captain Joe"

So I informed you of Average Joe’s new song and introduced some of you informed losers to his old song

Not only is there a new fucking song but there’s an amazing speech on his website, recorded late on election night last November.

He’s sounding awfully tired and worryingly apocalyptic. In between the audible page turning and in his glooooomy Ohio tone, he officially announces he will be running for president in 2012, for one final time!! Apparently he had to announce it immediately, following his shock defeat, because (obviously quoting Moloko), “the time is now”.

He then gets all Armageddon on our asses, stating, “to wait would be a monumental mistake with far reaching ramifications, not only for this generation but for generations to come....... that is..... if there are generations to come”.

He then uses the infuriating analogy, “rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic”. He continued, like a fucking genius, that if he had control of the country/Titanic, he'd leave the deck chairs in their current position and instead “steer the ship away from the iceberg altogether”. Brilliant!! Because we all know that was the problem when the Titanic sank, no one considered avoiding the iceberg. Surely the original metaphor exists because it was a hopeless situation! Did he not even see Kate Winslet and her tits looking hopeless! I'm not even sure the person in the metaphor is qualified to sail a ship of that size. Because the captain of the ship would never be busy prancing the ship with his Feng Shui guide, metaphorically or in reality.

But fine, fine, he thinks he could prevent the (actual or metaphorical) Titanic from disaster by being the only person to consider the option of steering the ship away from the iceberg... Aah, but not steering with his hands but with..... common sense (which may or not be a metaphor for....hands). Well, maybe such mangled analogies are deliberate though, in the hope of living up to the super smooth analogies of previous presidents.

I love how he combines Rockyesque energy and hope with depressing realism and bitterness. “If a groundswell of support doesn’t start up now and grow exponentially the chances of winning down the line with this campaign is virtually nothing.”

His way of gaining such support is also entertainingly perplexing. “Frankly the support has been absolutely abysmal”. “Our support base, and you know who you are [ooh, bit threatening], have for the most part, done little in the way of volunteering and even less in the way of donating money to the campaign.” It’s clear his slogan should really be “Support me now...you useless cunts”.

The aforementioned cunts, he concludes, are “just talking a good game as their family spends another night over a meal of rice and beans in a Flying J truck stop.” Firstly, I resent him talking about something I’ve never heard of (but I have now looked it up - it looks lovely) and also his disrespectful attitude towards rice and beans. But it’s not just rice and beans, he also blames “media entertainment” and “frivolous extra curricula activity”. He must really fucking hate karaoke then..... which along with his disdain for rice is definitely going to lose his the Asian vote I reckon.

I am worried about Joe though. I can imagine, when he doesn’t become president, he may do something mental like slaughtering his family before killing himself or even becoming a Republican. He’s a desperate, broken man whose family has given up their normal live. “Liz and I have given up our regular professions and our family have given up a regular life”. “Our family is already 100% sold out on this”. In the new song the lyrics go, “he’s had to make ends meet just to keep his family fed.” It’s all very, very sad......

He sounded so tired, groggy and distraught. But didn’t forget - “Oh..... and by the way....... I am Joe Schriner and I approve of this message.” hehe

Listening to the lyrics of his new song though I suspect Joe is overstating his commitment somewhat. According to the words of his new theme, “Average Joe campaigns on weekends - works during the week”. The truth is revealed!

Also, singer Billy Reiter exclaims, “A vote for Joe is a vote for us!” Which does make you wonder - how the fuck do you get to vote for Joe then?!?

I think I’ll have email him soon to check on his mental state and point out a few problems - He'd love that...

#124: "Infatuations"

There’s this great person I know. Really great. She’s so great that I strongly suspect she may be one of those alluring aliens and at any moment she will reveal green grotesqueness and insist on some deep anal probing. Ideally she’ll not be an alien, reveal she thinks I’m equally great and then insist on some deep anal probing.

Well, either way, I introduced her to these pages. I had this idea that it was a good thing for her to be introduced to my intellectual musings. I usually hope my intellect will offset the negative affect of my face. But I’m wrong on both counts - nothing can ever offset the affects of my face and any intellect is overwhelmed by my overuse of the word cunt and seemingly obsessive tendencies towards Nazis and perverts. After some confusion attempting to make sense of these pages, she confirmed she thought I was weird and strange.... Which wouldn’t be so bad, but I’m sure I was only one of those adjectives before I let her read this.

Enough of my fruitless infatuations, I have serious news. When I instructed her to click on the Vote for Joe song...... it had gone!! I guess now the election is over it’s been destroyed. Luckily I still have it! But, what started out as a deeply upsetting day turned out to me very exciting indeed. Too exciting. Average Joe has a new song. I'm actually not sure if I knew it before but forgot about it. Either way Friday's post has lots of amazing Average Joe news. Thanks to Joe I now know what a Flying J is! [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] Are you excited and equally infatuated by Joeishness?
Oh, fuck off.

THERE ONCE WAS: "A Girlfriend Being Pedantic"

There once was a girlfriend being pedantic.
Seeing writing on a blimp made her frantic.
“No fucking punctuation!”
“Cunts with no education...”
“But, yes I'll marry you.... The idea was romantic.”

That was in reply to a previous request. Dreams can come true...
Request a limerick

#123: Ecks

Yo yo yo bitches! Did you even notice I hadn’t written lately? Didn’t think so. Too busy getting yourself off to thoughts of Rafael Nadal eh? And for the record he actually is funny looking.
I do have some pretty good reasons for causing the desperate feelings of loneliness......you’ve obviously experienced recently......

I’m still using the same laptop my mother kindly introduced to the joys of alcoholic beverages. I should really get a new one, but I was hoping its erratic behaviour would eventually settle down to something more manageable. Because it has settled down somewhat...apart from 'shift' getting stuck on if I type too fast... Yeah that is a bit of a problem to be honest.
The other problem is the ‘x’ key. It randomly gets stuck on goes xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx like a crazy mutha, making anything I try to write look as if its emphasising being hardcore or subject to excessive redaction. Even when it doesn’t do it there's a problem because it then doesn't work whatsoever. I have remedied being without the 'x' key by typing ‘ecks’ instead. As in, transsecksual. Spellcheckers totally know what I mean! But lately I discovered that pressing right shift types ‘x’. But fuck, you don’t really need to know. Luckily, you'll read any pointless shit.

An even better reason for not writing lately is a horrendous injury I suffered to my right thumb. For a day or two I was worried in case it was broken, it was so painful. Luckily I didn’t need to go to the doctor about it, which is good. Because I didn’t want to give away details of my secret mega-combo-super-move, where I take off my underpants, trousers and socks in one swift movement using just two thumbs. Also I’ve found telling people I’ve sprained my thumb taking my pants off garners little sympathy. But maaan you should see how I do it! I leave a pile of clothes on the floor that looks just like I’ve melted away like the bloke in ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’.

I did also have a backup excuse, which was going to be that I was busy being in Washington at the inauguration, protesting that none of my featured candidates became president. But as it's now February I didn't think it would be sufficiently convincing. I was going to use the following photo as evidence and tell you I’m the one in the hat.



Finally, I’ve decided I might post every Monday and Friday. I still haven’t quite found the right balance, but that might work. [Question You Must Answer In The Form Of A Comment:] What do you think? (if no one bothers commenting, I’m giving up and will use the extra time to go badger watching)